Drunk in love

The little big man, who's a big boy now, has been going through a lot of changes over the past year. I guess what I'm about to share is one milestone and deserves a detailed story-telling.

Cousins from Bataan were over at the brother's house last Monday. As expected, brother and cousins went drinking, as they usually do when they get together.

I let the big boy Migo join the younger cousins. I went to bed early only to be woken up by the brother and nephew, carrying my big boy into the bedroom, drunk.

He was saying all kinds of things, blabbering actually. I made sure I took a video of him so I could later show it to him and make him realize how stupid he looked drunk, in effect, make him NOT drink anymore in the future.

Some random blabber:

M: pakisabi sa syota ko...

Tyrone: wag mo sabihn syota kase ibig sabihn nun short time.
M: ok pakisabi sa lota ko... lota... long time 😁

M: mahal na mahal ko mommy ko. Gusto ko pakita sa kanya na naaappreciate ko mga paghihirap nya.

M: (to Tyrone who had him in his arms) don't rape me!

To wit, all of these are recorded in a secret file in my phone. For future reference. Someday. 😉

Stage mom feels 2

Still on that beauty pageant a few days ago. Just for the record.

I was taking a video of the Q&A. The son's question was about how he will boast about his country. He was cool and composed and didn't seem rattled or lost for words, but his answer was way off.

From my left side, I heard someone (perhaps a mom of another contestant) say, ang layo naman ng sagot.

I had to restrain myself from hitting her with my left. You know that feeling when an ambulance alarm starts ringing in your head and heat quickly crawls up from your neck to your face to the top of your head? That's what I felt and if not for the videocam I was holding up, I really would've hit her in the face sideways with my left.

Mothers. You know what I mean.

the hubby

Last week, the hubby, calling through a payphone from where he is, told me he had high blood pressure.

180/120.

I asked him how he was feeling and if he had medication and when he will be able to see a doctor given his circumstances.

After this he spoke seriously:

Pag nawala ako...kung mawala ako and papalitan mo ko...wag kang pipili ng kagaya ko ha.

I said ok but tears welled up in my eyes. I haven't cried about our situation for the longest time now. But this. I pushed back the tears.

What can I say?

Stage mom feels

I am the worst kind of mother.

I did not know that today the little big man, who's not so little anymore, who just turned 13 just over a week ago, was one of the contestants in a beauty pageant in school. All the while, I thought he was preparing for a class presentation for their Buwan Ng Wika culminating activity. I even considered going to work today because my boss was hesitant in allowing me to take a leave. At the last minute though, my leave was approved. But really, all the while I thought it was just one of those routine activities that a good mother should attend for her kids. I was so wrong.

How do I describe the feeling? Years ago, I witnessed this little big man fight in his very first taekwondo competition. I had jitters. My hands trembled as I held the videocam to capture the fight. I was a newbie taekwondo parent surrounded by parents of brown- and black-belts who've been through dozens of competitions. That first competition gave him a bronze medal. He came out of it triumphant and went on to dozens more competitions with more bronzes, silvers and golds. And me? I came out even more triumphant with every medal, every fall, every tear. He had as many triumphs as defeats.

Today I was a newbie mom to a teenage son who joined a beauty/talent/intelligence contest for the first time.

It felt exactly the same thing.

I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty 

but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging 

as any honorable profession in the world 

and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.

~Rose Kennedy

My 13 Thoughts on Your 13th Birthday This August 13

13. I've been a mom for 13 years now. (Who would've thought i'd get this far?)

12. This is a new chapter for you and me. Everybody says the teenage years are the most challenging for parents but the most memorable for their children. I hope we could get through this together and you arrive at your adulthood and my senior life both of us unscathed. (So help us God.)

11. I'd appreciate it if we could stay friends throughout. You did promise me when you were 4 years old that you wouldn't keep secrets from me. So let's take it from there, shall we? It's best to tell your ol' mom your joys, sorrows, triumphs, problems and I promise to be the best listener. Ever.

10. Your sister is your friend as well. I hope and pray that you nurture your relationship with her. Make her feel that she's protected and loved by her older brother. Remember that your future girlfriends will take particular note of how you treat your mother and sister.

9. Though your Dad is not physically present, know that he loves you very much. And you know you can always ask him for guidance and advice on things you cannot ask me. ('Cause he is still the best Dad in the world.)

8. Learning in school is the most important thing to do during your teenage years. It sets the foundation of how you will turn out in your adult life. You wanna be successful yeah? Study hard. It will all be worth it when the time comes and you will be thankful.

7. Independence is something you have started wanting for the past year. The more you will want it in the next years. I'm giving it to you. I give it to you and I trust that you will make sound, reasonable and  balanced decisions. I will always be here to give you advice and guidance. (Just put down your phone and talk to me.)

6. What do I always tell you? Your character is what you do when no one else sees you. Even when no one sees you, always do what is right. And kind. Pray wherever and whenever. There's no limit.

5. Your success in life will be all your doing. No one else's. You define your future. And even your present. (I mean, your now, your present. Not gift. I know what you're thinking.)

4. Don't worry about your height. You'll grow much taller than you already are. Believe me. (I know.)

3. Hugs and kisses and "I love yous' should never EVER run out. You hear me? It reassures me that I'm doing good as your mother.

2. All my promises, I will fulfill them. Not always immediately, but rest assured that I'm trying everything to keep them. I hope you fulfill yours too. 

1. Enjoy your teenage years, my son. How you will live your life at 31 will depend on how you will live your life at 13 onwards.

"There's this boy who stole my heart.

He calls me Mom."

of dishonesty and bullies

The little girl the other day showed me a crumpled 500 peso bill with wrapped around a bottle of liniment. She said she found it inside her schoolbag. Of course, she knows it's not hers because I don't give her that amount of money for school.

So I told her the most logical thing to do. Give it back. Go see her school's principal and return it to her.

The next day, she got bullied by one of the boys in her class. She said she was walking from the front of the class towards her seat when this boy punched her in the stomach. She curled in pain and cried. When the teacher was told, the teacher's reaction was that the next time the boy punches her, his parents will be called to school.

When told of this, I was furious. But my Mom, (the Grandma) who was told first before me, was even more furious and decided that she will personally go to school and report this incident. It was fine with me since my work nowadays demands that I be at the office always.

Later in the evening, my Mom told me about how she lectured the Discipline Officer in school about bullying. It was a little funny because knowing my Mom, I'm sure they heard a handful of her wisdom. She'd made her mark on the school officials, I must say, esp that officer and the Principal.

The little girl later told me she returned the money and liniment bottle to the principal. The principal told her, "You're honest huh. Ang laking pera nito at ibinalik mo." Then she left.

Much later, the principal went to her class and asked for her and told her, "I forgot to tell you, very good for what you did."

Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat people. 

~ Dennis Prager

conversations

the little girl and me  few weeks ago while walking on our way to the grocery. not verbatim. but it went something like this.

mas favorite ko si daddy kaysa sa yo. i love you pero mas love ko si daddy ng konti. pero i love you.

so mas love mo si daddy kaysa sa akin?

uhmm...oo... pero konti lang.. ikaw 99%, si daddy 100%

ah ok.

parang ikaw mas favorite mo si kuya kaysa sa akin.

Children begin by loving their parents; 

as they grow older they judge them;

sometimes they forgive them.

~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

new pet

and so we got ourselves a cat last week.

i finally gave in and got the kids a siamese kitten.

his name is groot.

he slept on our bed the first night but he pooped on it so he is officially out of the bedroom at night. he's all sweet and cute and all that cat thingy but i cannot bring myself to cuddle him the way the kids do.

but i'm glad he's here cause the kids got some responsibility in their hands. and the fighting lessened a bit. just a bit.

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow

but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.

~Mark Twain

blessed

Woke up today to this.

A clean living room.

Not worrying about doing the laundry.

(Yes our kasambahay arrived last Sunday and officially started work yesterday.)

The slow steady breathing of my two sleeping kids.

New haircut and hair color from yesterday's me time.

Cooking 3-cheese fetuccini pasta and toasting garlic buttered baguettes for breakfast. (So who says it has to be eggs benedict all the time? Hehe)

Tuesday and it's a non-working holiday.

Thank you for blessing me in more ways than I know.

Reflect upon your present blessings --

of which every man has many --

not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

~Charles Dickens 

guess who's cooking!

so i've been proud of the little achievements i've had about cooking for the family. 

but today, the little big man did it too. a couple of times, i've told him that it's about time he learns to cook simple meals, and rice. so last night, i taught him, with the lights out and we were about to go to sleep, how to cook instant noodles. i was specific about how to turn the stove on and off because i don't want him causing a fire or getting himself burned. i told him the danger of turning it on and not having any flame being that the gas is coming out in the air and he doesn't know it and once he clicks it again, it might burst into flames. yeah, quite morbid to imagine but it's better that he knows than to regret later.

this morning, he texted me and asked again the step by step procedure. i called him and again, told him how to fire up the stove, how many cups of water to put for 2 packs, when to put in the noodles, when to pour the seasoning, how to find out if it's cooked...i told him again to be extra careful with the stove and to make sure it's turned off after cooking.

in less than 30 minutes, he texted me: 

Mommy success! Ang sarap 15 May 2014  9:49am

i'm so proud of him. he's learning to be a more responsible young man everyday. he still has a lot to learn i know, but these baby steps are all he needs and he'll be on his way. makes me a bit dreadful that soon he won't need me anymore. just this morning, he was talking about going out and exploring the world on his bike. i told him he can only bike around the neighborhood but never outside the subdivision but i will never know for sure, right? the last month, he and his little sister have been on their own during mornings (being that it's summer break here) and although they still fight a lot, i know that soon, he will be able to take on, seriously, his role as big brother.

i only pray for him and the little girl that God guides them always and that i will be able to instill in them the right values and morals they need to become the best that they can be when they grow up.

It's easier to build strong children

than to repair broken men.

~Frederick Douglass

chito's proposal to neri

y'all know i'm a sucker for wedding proposal videos and chito miranda. i feel you, neri.

working mom

let me forwarn you. this will be tearful.

this morning, the little big man woke up with fever while i was preparing to go to work. 

(you must know that our little family is coping with the hubby in neverland and it's just the kids and me in the little home for over a month now.)

i gave him biogesic. yes, he's taking tablet medicine now. i asked him if he was ok and he said no. he has a headache. i asked him if he wants me not to go to work and stay with him.

ikaw bahala was his reply.

(it's up to you.)

what to do? any normal, sane, caring mother knows very well that means he doesn't want to impose but of course he wants me to stay with him.

so i picked up my phone to text the office that i was not coming to work. 

before sending the text, i thought of all the things i have to do at work today. i thought of 3 scheduled meetings. i thought of my friend/officemate/department-partner who has already informed me in advance that she might not be in today so there won't be anyone to delegate the work today. i thought of the would-be-loss of 1 day's salary. 

i went back to the little big man and whispered to him that i really have to go to work. that i want to stay with him but i have committed to those 3 meetings and that there will be no one else to do the work today and so i cannot NOT go to work.

he said ok.

now, i'm at work. and i am guilty as hell. so judge me.

tears. tears and tears of regret.

sorry, anak.

She never quite leaves her children at home, 

even when she doesn't take them along.

~Margaret Culkin Banging

Me Time

Sometimes I just want to put my feet up and relax. Had a foot spa and pedi earlier and it felt so good.

I've been a bit emo since last night. My thoughts went on like this: I used to be fun.

I imagined how the friends I have now see me compared to the friends who knew me when I was... fun. I wished they would know the person that I was before I became...this.

chef duties

This may seem like I'm patronizing myself but really, you all know I hate cooking, and now I cooked yet again.

Some of you know why I am sometimes forced to cook for my kids. Some of you don't. But then I won't explain it to those who don't.

So here is what I did this morning.

Yesterday the little girl asked for chicken sinigang. She wanted soup because she wasn't feeling very well. I must say I did a fairly good job because she end her brother ate it all.

The last few times the hubby was away, I've got to say, I've been enjoying preparing my kids' food. I've enjoyed going to the grocery and the wet market even, and being able to choose the stuff our little family will eat. If this situation keeps on, I might as well get an oven and learn to bake. Hah! That'll be the day.

Sometimes I think ma be if I wasn't working full time, I may be able to domesticate myself and really be good at it. Oh did I tell you I've been doing laundry too?

a letter to the little big man on his recollection day

so i was in the hospital for a week and missed an important event in my son's young life:  his 6th grade recollection.  the school sent us a letter saying we parents have to be their on the afternoon of the second day with a letter for our child.  i sent my mom over instead.

and here goes my letter.

Dear Migo,

Well how was your recollection?  I'm pretty sure much has been learned and realized these past 2 days.  Maybe you have matured too?  I can only guess.

I've always said this, time and time again:  You, Migo, are MABAIT na bata.  Of that, I am so proud.  Despite being makulit and pasaway, I know that you are one kind-hearted young man.  You are smart, hard-working, loving.  

I'm sorry, anak, that I can't be with you today.  I'm also sorry I can't even write legibly because I'm attached to a dextrose =) (And I have to write your Dad's letter for you later pa!)

I'm sorry if sometimes I am unable to give you what you want.  You know your mommy's limitations right?  I'm also sorry if sometimes I side with Julla even if she's the one who hurt you.  I'm sorry if sometimes you think I'm unfair or I don't understand you or I neglect you.  I'm sorry for the times I've hurt you physically and emotionally.  I'm sorry if sometimes I disappoint you when sometimes I don't know the answer to your question.  

You know, the only thing I want in this world is for you to be happy.  To soar high.  To achieve your goals.  To reach your dreams.  You asked me once, what do I pray for?  And I said I prayed to God that He gives you what you prayed for.  That has always been my prayer.

I love you so so much.

Mom

13 Things I Learned From My Hospital Bed

And so I was hospitalized for 4 days.  In between getting high on fever and f***ing-hard-on-the-abs chills, I found myself looking at my life from the outside of my body and realized a few things.  At one point, I even had that Insidious-movie-like experience wherein I felt myself dreaming and going somewhere else astrally.  (if there's such a word)

Anyway, here goes some of my musings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.  I'm a dextrose addict.  I almost always feel better when attached to it.

2.  I will never look at mocha-flavored icing cake the same way again.  Very graphic in my mind so I won't explain anymore.

3.  True caring friends surprise visit you and you're all touched coz they remembered you....... and then they go out for lunch.

4.  The transvaginal whatever apparatus!

5.  Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lithotripsy.  No, it's not some house music that makes you tipsy.  It's a non-invasive treatment of kidney stones.

6.  The hubby is imperfect and it took this trip to the hospital to prove that even more.

7.  Even if nothing hurts, you don't know for sure that you're not sick somewhere inside so it's always best to see a doctor.

8.  100% of male doctors are gay.  (Well, at least, based on the doctors I saw during this confinement.)

9.  A warm blanky can only do so much when the chills kick in; but a cuddly little girl beside me drives the cold away.

10.  My Mom will always, always be there for me.

11.  I cannot be a Mom and be sick at the same time.  And so, the decision has been made.

12.  That old adage that goes, "Health is wealth."

13.  I am Superwoman.

There is one consolation in being sick;

and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state

than you were in before.

- Henry David Thoreau

love in its simplest form

today i'm talking about love in its simplest form.  it's been a while again that i have not blogged.  many good and not so good things have happened which i have failed to document in this blog.  but yesterday, God sort of nudged me a bit that made me want to write (blog) about it.

my little family and i were at sunday mass which was packed full.  the kids and i fit in a pew while the hubby was in the pew in front of us.  beside him was a much more little family than ours.

a man, two sons.  one son had down syndrome.  the other was normal, around 18 years old.  

since they were right in front of me, i could see their little gestures and affectionate pats on the arm, loving smiles and the dad's sweet kiss on his son with down syndrome's cheek.  they were a picture of a happy, contented family who loved one another dearly.  i wondered where their mom might be?

later, hubby told me, since he was sitting beside the normal son that he saw him show his brother his cellphone, took his brother's hand and let him touch with his fingers the touchscreen phone.  and it brightened his brother's face.

wow.  love.

i took this as an opportunity to make sermon my kids again as to how they should be loving each other.  of course, as always, they didn't seem to be listening to me.  but i know in my mind that they are keeping these life lessons in their hearts.

“I sustain myself with the love of family.” 

― Maya Angelou

gay and you know it

it's been a while.  more than 4 months.  i actually have a lot to blog about but...

...but some of it, i forgot, some of it...not anymore relevant.

but a recent event in my family life got me back to blogging.  two weeks ago, i became godmother to a friend's first-born son.  the group of friends at the reception were mostly friends from my work who have already resigned so it was some sort of reunion for most of us.  anyway, as many of you know, i have a lot of gay friends in the industry.  and there they all were.

the reception at cafe mary grace in greenbelt 2 sent my 2 kids interacting with my gay friends.  i do not regret that they had first-hand experience of conversations involving guys having crushes on guys and a guy friend with a boyfriend.  to which my often brutally-honest son remarked, they're boyfriends? oh my god, what is happening to our country? 

fast forward to the next weekend.  we attended the swimming / luau party of my daughter's classmate.  there, we met her classmate, a syrian and her chinese-looking mom and a lesbian for a dad.  to which my daughter asked me, wide-eyed, when she saw the mom being carried by the dad towards the pool, is that her DAD??

after both weekends, i explained to my kids how these people are not any different from us, that as long as they are kind and don't do anything bad to you, they should be alright to have around.  they are in fact, more fun to be with, more down-to-earth and real people.  and we should never judge people for their sexual preference.

for a while there, i got worried that my kids got exposed at a young age to this reality in life.  but then, after i explained to them, i was more than happy that they are knowledgeable now regarding this.  better that they learned it from me than from somebody else.  for now, i am quite sure though that both of them are straight guy and straight girl.  

girlfriend

after that post about the little girl and her fascination for make-up, i am reminded of the little big man with his new-found fascination for....drumroll please...... A GIRL.  or as he calls it, CRUSH.

ok, this may be too much in one day.  the girl, barely 6 years old, into make-up and the boy, just turned 9, having a crush.  but i just had to blog this and make it something to laugh about later on.  maybe blackmail them into doing something for me when i'm old and gray.

so anyway.  it's been over a week that the little big man has been exchanging text messages with his classmate who is, yes -- a girl.  Who has, yes -- a crush on him.  he claims he has a crush on her too but i really think he only has a crush on her because he found out she has a crush on him.

some of the girl's messages i read goes like this:

kinilig ako kanina.

pano tayo makakapag-usap? alam ko na magpasahan tayo ng letter.

bakit di mo ko tinatawagan?

nasan ka? (this was sent during lunch break)

may sasabihin ako sa yo pero di ko masabi.

good night. mwah. :-*

while they're young, i encourage my kids to not have secrets from me.  that i am their best confidant for anything whether problems or dreams or crushes.  i feel a certain joy that my son trusts me enough to let me read some, if not all their text messages.  


i continually pray that my relationship with my kids be as open as this until they grow up.

make up

recently i've noticed the little girl watching youtube videos about make-up tutorials.  and consequently, she has been bugging me to buy her make-up.  it even came to a point that she was bargaining that she will not tag along to somewhere i was going to where she was not allowed on the condition that i will bring make-up when i get back.  i knew i was going to give in eventually  but i didn't want to go to the mall just for that.  so i told her to wait till the weekend when we do go.  she bawled over, gave me the bratty attitude which i so hate, did everything to make me buy her but to no avail.

but yesterday, i found these pretty little things at hortaleza.  made for girls 8-18 "who are in the advent of many beautiful first experiences." 

the culprits:  hypoallergenic pressed powder, lip gloss,
shimmer cheek blush with sunscreen, sparkle eyeshadow

i know, i know! my girl is way too young for make-up.  goodness, she's only turning 6 this april! but i had to humor her.  or maybe, humor myself.  i can't help but give in.  so shoot me, my self-rightoeous, condemning, judgmental readers! ;-)  disclaimer:  i am not, in any way, advocating, endorsing or justifying make-up use for 5-year olds.  

did you shoot me already?

but let me just say that i did lay down the rules.  1)  that she can only wear them if she's going to sing or dance in a school presentation.  incidentally, her moving up ceremony is coming up next month and she's actually going to dance the doxology!  2) that she absolutely cannot wear it in school or in church.  3)  that she washes her face everytime after.

here she is wearing her trial make-up.

on a side note. there was a time when the little girl was told by her teacher that they will have make-up classes on a saturday because of the several typhoons that cancelled classes.  during the evening after of one such class, i asked her how her make-up class went, her reply was, hindi naman kami nag-make up e.  nag-aral lang kami.