loss

three days ago.

this story is supposed to be about my two kids'  taekwondo tournament but it's gonna segue into a totally different, devastating story.  that is a forewarning.

it was the bulacan taekwondo championships held in marilao convention center in, where else, bulacan.  the kids were psyched for another fight and so were hubby and me.  i can say that we live for days like these.  it just makes us plain happy.

little girl was sent to the mats early and won her first game without a sweat.  (that's me, the mom, talking.)  second game was a breeze.  (again, proud mom moment.)  

her finals match was unexpected.  she was up against an older girl but with the same height, the younger sister of a veteran champ in clraa (central luzon ahtletic association or something) and although wearing a white belt, we expect has been training way longer than my little girl.  little girl overwhelmingly lost her finals match.  and her tears of furstration and hurt were overwhelming as well.  i consoled her of course that it was not something to be ashamed of and that we're all still proud of her.

...ooOoo...

little big man's first game was a breeze too.  then finals match was definitely not hard but sadly, he lost by 1 point.  he was disappointed of course, being hungry for another gold again but i guess, luck wasn't on his side.... yet.  coach told hubby that the little big man already has everything -- skills, form, speed -- we just have to be a little more patient and we will harvest soon. this guy's time will come.  i've said this time and time again, everytime he loses, because i strongly believe so.

...ooOoo...

towards late afternoon, the intense games of the kids' high school teammates got us all worked up and cheering on the sides.  it became an opportunity for some nitwit to steal my handbag which i left on a chair together with our team's bags and equipment.  the thief singled out my bag because i left our low bat iPad®  inside.  he must've been around already since morning, checking out who would be neglectful of their belongings, and i turned out to be the unknowing victim.

when i found my chair without my bag, i told the hubby and we informed coach who announced it over the microphone to please be mindful of belongings since a parent (me!!) lost her bag.  a little while later, coach's wife when she found out, told us she noticed an abandoned bag inside one of the stinky toilets.  and there it was.  my ransacked bag without the iPad and my wallet.

three lessons in losing today:

1)  the little girl's loss tells me that despite doing your best, if the other person who beat you is way ahead of you, you have to accept.  but you better train harder so you will be as good as her, if not better.

2)  the little big man's loss tells me that being the winner is not a one-time thing.  the process of getting there, overcoming obstacles, learning and maturing marks the true champion.  his time will come.

3)  and what did i learn from my loss?  never leave your personal belongings unattended.  God bless that nitwit thief.  and God bless me more.

“Winning or losing achieves the same result-- change.” 

― Shannon L. Alder

G O L D

this is what i posted on facebook this morning as i rode a cab on my way to work.  the caloocan division meet in taekwondo was held yesterday and the little big man got a silver.  i've been putting off posting the result since last night coz i didn't know how to "announce" to the world the result.  coz when you think about it, when you get a silver, it means you didn't get the gold.

the little big man did NOT get the gold.  but migo knew he got the gold.  we knew he got the gold, our coach knew he got the gold, the referee knew he got the gold.  DAMN IT, EVEN HIS OPPONENT KNEW MIGO GOT THE GOLD.

but he didn't.  the scorers didn't see it the way everybody else saw it.

and that's what makes me want to give out a prolonged high-pitched cry of a combination of pain, grief and anger.  had he gotten the gold, he would've been on his way to the NCR (national capital region) games where if he won, he would've gone on to compete in palarong pambansa.  which is what he has always wanted.

sigh.

i remember myself praying repeatedly in my head "ibigay mo sa kanya 'to Lord, ibigay mo sa kanya 'to Lord.." the whole time i was recording on video the game.  when i saw the final decision, i wanted to break down but i held on and completed recording.  i looked at the little big man's face void of emotion.  but i knew, i knew, he was too disappointed to speak. 

but i know too that God's reason for this is that He has far more opportunities to give to my little big man.  the way he has matured in this game, the way he has worked hard to be where he is now, i know that soon he will realize his dream of becoming an undisputed champion.

for now, the gold is his determination to move on and keep training and learning and doing his best.  he has that gold.

i'm never gonna give up the way i know he will never give up.  just you wait and see.

Sometimes by losing a battle, 

you find a new way to win the war.

~ Donald Trump

conversations

i was in the gym last week waiting for my little big man and little girl who were in taekwondo training.  the coach's daughter, 6 years old engaged me in a no-nonsense conversation which went on like this:

coach's daughter sits beside me on the bench then says,  what did you look like when you were a child?

me, after thinking for a few split seconds, i looked like julla when i was a child. 

she turns to look at my daughter julla who was busy with their taekwondo drills out on the mats.  then she turns back at me, you looked like that?

yes, but i was darker.

she turns to look at julla again then back at me.  then bluntly, she says, you're black.

of course, i was quick to retort, calmly,  i'm not black.  i'm brown.

she looks at julla again then says, julla is light brown.

L.O.L.

cousins

our little family went on a roadtrip last weekend to orani, bataan. we went to celebrate the feast of our lady of the rosary, which not many of you know, is where my first name rosario was derived from by my dad, who is a devotee.

we went to the 11am mass and afterwards, watched the banda ng mosiko, while my dad related his stories to my kids about how it used to be when he was young there in their town.

then we went to my cousin's house and had lunch.  

best part of the day were the kids enjoying their short but fun time bonding with their cousins that they didn't want to go home when it was time.  the little big man was literally begging me to let him stay overnight.  of course, that wasn't possible so hubby and i promised them we'll come back on the 31st and stay overnight.  i understand how much they long to be with their cousins and i'm glad they've built friendships and bonds with them that will last forever.

"a cousin is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost."

love in its simplest form

today i'm talking about love in its simplest form.  it's been a while again that i have not blogged.  many good and not so good things have happened which i have failed to document in this blog.  but yesterday, God sort of nudged me a bit that made me want to write (blog) about it.

my little family and i were at sunday mass which was packed full.  the kids and i fit in a pew while the hubby was in the pew in front of us.  beside him was a much more little family than ours.

a man, two sons.  one son had down syndrome.  the other was normal, around 18 years old.  

since they were right in front of me, i could see their little gestures and affectionate pats on the arm, loving smiles and the dad's sweet kiss on his son with down syndrome's cheek.  they were a picture of a happy, contented family who loved one another dearly.  i wondered where their mom might be?

later, hubby told me, since he was sitting beside the normal son that he saw him show his brother his cellphone, took his brother's hand and let him touch with his fingers the touchscreen phone.  and it brightened his brother's face.

wow.  love.

i took this as an opportunity to make sermon my kids again as to how they should be loving each other.  of course, as always, they didn't seem to be listening to me.  but i know in my mind that they are keeping these life lessons in their hearts.

“I sustain myself with the love of family.” 

― Maya Angelou

conversations

at the newly opened Joy Avenue Foodstore:

little girl was lingering while there were no customers.  my brother's kumpare was there, who incidentally has the same family name as ours so the hubby calls him 'insan (meaning: cousin).

'insan came over the softdrinks fridge, calling out 'nay pahingi ako ng royal. (<-softdrinks font="">

bayaran mo yan ha, said the little girl.  so she thought, by saying "pahingi" the guy was literally asking for it for free.

ayoko nga bayaran.  bakit ko babayaran e pinsan ako ng may-ari?

e ako nga anak ako ng may-ari nagbabayad ako e.

ayoko pa rin bayaran, 'insan taunted her, laughing as he said this.

the little girl, obviously pissed, retorted, ta-taekwondohin na kita.  marunong ako mag-taekwondo.  lumalaban ako ng lalaki, tumatalo ako ng lalaki.

to which 'insan and everybody within earshot started laughing.  and usually, when she's laughed at, the little girl gets really annoyed. she said, naiinis na ko sa yo.  iiyak na ko! then  broke down in tears.

New Year

Oh yeah, I was supposed to blog about a few things....

It's a New Year in different ways for me so let me run down those "few" things I wanted to blog about for the last 3 months that I was in hiatus from this blog.

New school year.  The little big man, who is 10 years old, is now in 6th grade.  Schoolyear 2013-2014.  Can you believe that?  I must change the picture on the top of this blog soon.  That was so 5 years ago.  (I guess)  And the little girl, who is 7 years old, is in 2nd grade.

CPU and external hard drive are dead.  Yes, 2 weeks ago, my Seagate 500gig external hard drive containing most of my family pictures for the last 8 years, just went kaput.  And just this weekend, our family's personal computer crashed.  I need to start over.  I don't need to tell you how devastated I am about all that I've literally lost.  I did not shed tears but you can imagine my insides falling apart piece by piece as the computer tech told me that none of my data stored in all of that can be retrieved.  

Back  to old coach.  The little big man started training again with his former taekwondo coach.  Yeah, the one who disowned him some 2 years ago.  We've been wanting to communicate with him for the past year and the few times we've connected in some tournaments, he was friendly enough for us to eventually tell him that we wanted our little girl to start training with him.  And then he asked, what about the little big man?  So we took it as an invitation for us to come back and train with him again.  And we did.  There's no turning back.  So last May, both kids went into rigid 4 times a week training with him.  

Home-grown.  In connection with that training, the little girl , after training for about 3 weeks, went into her first official tournament, albeit a mini-tournament.  It was so mini that she did not have an opponent in her category who is a girl.  So, the organizers pitted her against boys.  Yes, she sparred with 2 boys within her height range.  And she won over both. Her first official gold medal in taekwondo has been sealed.

New business.  So after all the ups and downs of the previous year, the parents helped hubby and I put back together the canteen.  It's now located in our own yard converted into a cozy enough, decent enough canteen for students and for the neighborhood.  We called it Joy Avenue Foodstore, derived from our street name, Ligaya Street.  

Work-related.  Last December, the office renovation got semi-completed and my department was moved back up to the 2nd floor.  My new place is right in front of the door leading to the warehouse.  Last April, my Chinese friend and supplier noticed I'd been sickly the last couple of months.  I told her it was probably because of the crazy schizophrenic weather and that I was seated in front of the door that pushes in warm air everytime it opens and closes.  To this, she was appalled.  She said, in Feng Shui, it is bad luck to be working right in front of a door because the negative energy is right at you.  Aside from that, my back was towards the door so I could be prone to back-stabbing, literally and figuratively.  For this, I requested my bosses if we could have a wall put behind me to block the door, to which they immediately said yes.  But to this day, 2 months later, still nada.  

Still work-related but on the side.  I tried to revive SALT last February but my full-time job just keeps me too busy and tired.  So after a few successes for 2 months, I am lying low on this biz again.  My time will come.

Babies.  My younger brother has a new baby.  Cheska was born last March.  My PD Officer Jacq is pregnant and is due in late July or early August.  Her baby's name is gonna be Yuri.

I know I have a lot more to update but this will be all for now.  I will try my best to blog often so I won't forget.

gay and you know it

it's been a while.  more than 4 months.  i actually have a lot to blog about but...

...but some of it, i forgot, some of it...not anymore relevant.

but a recent event in my family life got me back to blogging.  two weeks ago, i became godmother to a friend's first-born son.  the group of friends at the reception were mostly friends from my work who have already resigned so it was some sort of reunion for most of us.  anyway, as many of you know, i have a lot of gay friends in the industry.  and there they all were.

the reception at cafe mary grace in greenbelt 2 sent my 2 kids interacting with my gay friends.  i do not regret that they had first-hand experience of conversations involving guys having crushes on guys and a guy friend with a boyfriend.  to which my often brutally-honest son remarked, they're boyfriends? oh my god, what is happening to our country? 

fast forward to the next weekend.  we attended the swimming / luau party of my daughter's classmate.  there, we met her classmate, a syrian and her chinese-looking mom and a lesbian for a dad.  to which my daughter asked me, wide-eyed, when she saw the mom being carried by the dad towards the pool, is that her DAD??

after both weekends, i explained to my kids how these people are not any different from us, that as long as they are kind and don't do anything bad to you, they should be alright to have around.  they are in fact, more fun to be with, more down-to-earth and real people.  and we should never judge people for their sexual preference.

for a while there, i got worried that my kids got exposed at a young age to this reality in life.  but then, after i explained to them, i was more than happy that they are knowledgeable now regarding this.  better that they learned it from me than from somebody else.  for now, i am quite sure though that both of them are straight guy and straight girl.  

kicking it again

the little big man was in a taekwondo tournament yesterday.  after a long while again.  it used to be that almost every month we were on a tournament somewhere in this country.  we miss those days.

anyway, he got a bronze medal after losing in the semi-finals to a black belt.  score was a very tight 2-1.  worth-reading an old post i wrote about losing:  

http://ceschami.blogspot.com/2011/04/prize.html?showComment=1303271527948#c2292520225407376454

the highlight of the day was the little big man's cousin -- my brother's son.  it was his first time to compete.  he trained for a week and his dad convinced him to try out this competition.  his was just an exhibition game, with our coach making sure he doesn't get traumatized on his very first game.  well, he lost but got himself a silver medal for trying.  he needs a lot of training and i hope he and his dad seriously get into this.  

the hubby came to the event and the kids were mighty glad to see him.  although the little girl started crying when he was about to leave again later in the afternoon.  things are tough but i know in my heart we will all be able to cope.

trying hard chef

i've been meaning to blog about something that i started doing a few months back but never got the time to actually write about it.  today, i'm not missing that chance again.

since july, i've been trying my hand at... (don't squeal)... cooking.  yes, and to those who know me well, i know you squealed.  

i've never liked cooking.  i always thought it was boring and tiring just looking at how you cut up and prepare veggies or measure the teaspoonfuls of ingredients and spices.  my hubby has always been my ever-dependable cook.  he's the best for me.

but over the past months, i've been literally forced to cook for my kids with him not being around the house anymore what with the new and exciting things happening in his career.

so here are some of the stuff i've cooked.  my kids are my critics and most of the time, i pass but i guess they just love me too much to tell me i'm no good.

break wind

little girl to mommy some time last week:

mommy, bat ganun yung utot ko amoy kalan?

kalan?  bakit naman amoy kalan?

yung kalan mommy.. yung body of water.

body of water?

yung lesson namin sa sibika.  yung maliit na dagat.

huh? ilog?

hindi yung ganyan o.  (irritatedly motioning with her two hands making some sort of a pathway.)

huh???

ah kanal!  kanal!
(cue in canned laughter)

yung utot mo amoy kanal!

(more laughter)

a facebook post

i am a little bit emotional right now and need to write this down asap to capture this moment.  so i'm sneaking in a few minutes from work to get this out and over with.

it is not often that the hubby posts personal stuff on his or my FB wall.  but this, today, is one for the books.

(insert link here)

sort of redeems me from my previous post about being a failure as a mom.

thank you, hubby, for thinking of me this way.  and shouting it out to the world.  thank you for being the way you are and for accepting me the way i am. ♥

mommy fail

busy days at work took a backseat again yesterday for my kids' annual field demo day in school.  past years it was only the little big man's day.  this year is more meaningful and eventful, being the little girl is now in 1st grade and participating in the activity.

about two weeks ago, i was already on my toes finding the materials for their costume which was prescribed by the school.  i needed orange gina cloth (luckily both kids needed the same color), white leotards, black shorts, orange shorts, gold foil paper, dark blue art paper, green satin ribbon... the works.  the last night before the event, i had to cram sewing and pasting and putting together the 2 different costumes for the 2 kids.

so yesterday, we were all set.  both kids were excited.  their classmates and teachers worked 2 weeks practicing and this day is the big day they were gonna show off what stuff they're made of.

the littel girl's sched of presentation was at 9:15am while the little big man is at 10:45am.  we  arrived in school at around 9:05-9:10.  (my fault because i agreed to wait for my dad and brother before going to school but that's a differet story and i might digress if i go into the details of that.)

the hubby and i agreed he'd go with the little big man while i go with the little girl.  and so, as she and i were passing by the gym, we heard "fireworks" being played and i turned to her and asked, isn't that the music that you're going to dance to?

wide-eyed, she said yes while we both wondered why it was already playing.  i tried to peep to see what's going on but it was too crowded.  so i told the little girl that we should just go to the meeting area of her batchmates.  on our way there, we passed by a video wall showing  livestream what was happening inside the gym.  

lo and behold!  a sea of orange skirts with blue and gold vests worn over white leotards and black shorts!  my insides ached so bad i thought my knees turned jelly and i felt like i would fall in utter frustration.  i turned to the little girl, carried her in my arms, pointed to her the wall and painfully said, anak, sorry hindi ka na makakasali.  ayun na sila o.  i was close to tears.

she stared at the video wall.  then she patted my shoulder, ok lang yan mommy, ok lang yan. she seemed so cool about it and was even the one comforting me!  she stared again for about a minute then she turned away and rested her chin on my shoulder while hugging me tight.  in a few seconds, i knew she was teary-eyed and i kept on saying i'm sorry, i'm sorry to her.  i told her that when we get home, she will wear her costume and perform for me and her dad and kuya and i will video her performance and we will cheer and clap for her.

mommy, ok lang na hindi ako nakasali.  alam ko naman na pinaghirapan mo yung costume ko hanggang kagabi di ba?  ok lang yun.  then she was teary-eyed again and she hugged me again while i hugged her back.  halika na mommy, ayaw ko na dito.

we found the hubby and the little big man in his grade 5 classroom and told them what happened.  (of course, the hubby blamed me because we both knew we should be there by 8:30 but i told them 9:15 pa naman ang performance e.  and yeah, that thing with my dad.)  afterwards, we went to the gym in time for kuya's performance.  

while waiting, a video wall inside the gym was running the highlights of the grade 1 to 3 performances.  and there again was the grade 1 performance which the little girl failed to participate in just an hour ago.  i pointed it to her, she looked and shrugged saying, ayaw ko na makita yan.  i felt her pain and secretly pointed an imaginary gun to my head and shot myself.  i was as devastated as she.

super mommy fail. :(

here's her costume.  shot at home after.

and here's her vid.  on top of  the bed.  watch it and applaud.  PLEASE.

and here's what the little big man had to show.

and some pics of how the little girl coped with her mommy's failure. :( wearing her kuya's head dress while waiting for him after his performance.

happy birthday little big man

dear little big man,

today is your 10th birthday.  i am so happy to see how you've grown so well into your 2-digit age.  you've brought a lot of pride and happiness to me and your dad  these past century of our life.  i want to thank you for that.

i only wish you to fulfill your big dreams.  learning everything you can in school, becoming a taekwondo black belt and competing and winning in your sport.  becoming a loving kuya to your little sister and an obedient son too.  often when we're praying silently, you would ask me what my prayer for myself is.  and i'd tell you that whatever you prayed for, i prayed to God that He give it to you as long as it is what He intended for you.  eversince i had you, i only wished for nothing but your complete happiness.  for it will make me happy as well.

son, please grow up to be a better man.  let's overcome life's obstacles together.  i'll be in front but please promise me that you will be behind me -- my back-up.

i love you, today and always.

mom

Saint Theresa's Prayer

http://www.ewtn.com/therese/therese1.htm

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received,

and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones,

and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and everyone of us.

contentment

i am going through an ordeal for exactly 20 days now. i may not show it but i am.  my kids who are my source of strength probably feel it but won't say they do.  for all i know, they're going through something themselves.

i wish i could find contentment. 

mommy matters

resilience.  i feel this word.  i want it to drench me in its meaning.

i've never felt more "mom" than i have been the last couple of days.  i was on leave for 3.5 days last week to physically take care of the kids' needs, without a nanny and without a husband.  

last tuesday, i had to leave work midday to fetch the little big man because classes were suspended while the little girl was sick at home.  from that day onward, i prepped them every morning, brought them to school, fixed the house and did errands, fetched them later and had dinner somewhere or at my parents'.

over the weekend, i spent time at our canteen while finishing "fifty shades of grey."  i haven't read a whole book (novel) for the last 4 or 5 years and it felt really good although i wasn't too fascinated with the story of this one.  sunday the kids and i went to morning mass, had lunch at max's and spent a quiet afternoon and evening.  to top all that, i cooked dinner.  

and cooked breakfast and "baon" the next three days till today.  and i think i'll be doing that for the rest of my life because i realize i love doing it for the kids.  

i did some laundry and ironing too last week for the kids' uniforms.  but i did arrange with the laundry woman to come every monday since i know for a fact that i will not be able to handle that on a regular basis. 

i arranged for the kids' school service so that i wouldn't have to worry about them while   i'm at work.  good thing the kids liked the idea although they have to prepare for school an hour earlier than when the hubby used to bring them by car.

i bought a can opener.  this is monumental for me.  because for a long time, i never had one because cans at home were always opened by the hubby or the nanny or the house help using a big knife.  but last monday, i was gonna cook meat loaf for the kids' baon and i almost ground the meat inside the can using that big knife to open it.  i also bought a new cutting board since i wanted to replace ours a long time ago but never gotten around to doing it because i wasn't the actual user of it, until now.  and guess what, i bought a flat "sandok" for frying.  i know i will be frying a lot these days so might as well get my own.

last night, i went shopping for food.  i always did that with the hubby before because he's the one who knows that stuff.  (if you've known me long enough, you'd know i'm not that kind of girl and that he's that kind of guy.)  but last night, i was picking which cooking oil to buy, getting a pre-packed dozen eggs, deciding on whether to get the boxed milk or the chocolate milk, buying potatoes and tomato sauce... i was actually thinking of cooking a real meal (which is giniling na baboy) and not just something out of a can or a foil pack.  

i am also making time to fix, clean, arrange things in the house.  little by little.  i am now aware that trash is being picked up every wednesday and saturday so i always have to make sure it's out our door those days.  i am also aware when the mineral water is running out so i can request for a delivery.  i have asked for the help of one of our helpers at the canteen to prep the little girl every morning.  i have also commissioned our cook to make our dinner everyday.

one of my mom's borders offered to assist the little girl with her homeworks and study and although i do like to do that with her, i welcomed the kind help, silently thanking God for all of the good things that He's giving me and my family.

it surprised me that i could actually do things by myself.  and the things that i can't do, i am able to ask for help.  and i felt more fulfilled than i ever was.  it's tiring, i admit, waking up at 4:30am everyday, squeezing everything we have to do the whole day to be able to put the kids to bed at 9:00pm.  but i do get a little "me" time too, a quick browse through facebook, an online old movie, sewing my kids' names on their hankies, game of thrones during lunch time at work, a new lipstick... a quick quip on twitter and this blog.  i guess i just might be blogging a lot more than i used to.

i feel like i'm starting over.  love life!

Resilience is the ability to work with adversity in such a way that one comes through it unharmed or even better for the experience. Resilience means facing life’s difficulties with courage and patience – refusing to give up. It is the quality of character that allows a person or group of people rebound from misfortune, hardships and traumas.

Resilience is rooted in a tenacity of spirit—a determination to embrace all that makes life worth living even in the face of overwhelming odds. When we have a clear sense of identity and purpose, we are more resilient, because we can hold fast to our vision of a better future.

Weaning

My tweet of the day:

Kids' first day with the school bus service. Weaning them or weaning me, I don't know which.

parts of the head

the little girl and i were reviewing parts of the head over the weekend for a quiz this week:

me (pointing at her hair):  What's this? 

little girl: Hair.

me (pointing at her forehead): What's this? 

little girl (full of conviction): Third eye.

baby

http://great-pictures.com/baby-pictures/

it's been a while again.  i guess i've been pretty busy (meaning: happy) to have the time to blog.

anyway about two weeks ago, here's another mind-blowing conversation with my little girl:

mommy, gusto ko pa ng baby.  she meant a baby sister which she hadn't asked for for quite a while now.

wag na 'nak.  ikaw na baby namin.

ayoko, gusto ko pa ng isa pang baby.

wag na nga.  para kayo na lang ni kuya ang babies ko.

sige na.  tapos pag malaki na sya, ibenta natin sya.

me, flabbergasted.  ha? baket??

e ayaw ko na pag malaki na sya.