girlfriend

after that post about the little girl and her fascination for make-up, i am reminded of the little big man with his new-found fascination for....drumroll please...... A GIRL.  or as he calls it, CRUSH.

ok, this may be too much in one day.  the girl, barely 6 years old, into make-up and the boy, just turned 9, having a crush.  but i just had to blog this and make it something to laugh about later on.  maybe blackmail them into doing something for me when i'm old and gray.

so anyway.  it's been over a week that the little big man has been exchanging text messages with his classmate who is, yes -- a girl.  Who has, yes -- a crush on him.  he claims he has a crush on her too but i really think he only has a crush on her because he found out she has a crush on him.

some of the girl's messages i read goes like this:

kinilig ako kanina.

pano tayo makakapag-usap? alam ko na magpasahan tayo ng letter.

bakit di mo ko tinatawagan?

nasan ka? (this was sent during lunch break)

may sasabihin ako sa yo pero di ko masabi.

good night. mwah. :-*

while they're young, i encourage my kids to not have secrets from me.  that i am their best confidant for anything whether problems or dreams or crushes.  i feel a certain joy that my son trusts me enough to let me read some, if not all their text messages.  


i continually pray that my relationship with my kids be as open as this until they grow up.

make up

recently i've noticed the little girl watching youtube videos about make-up tutorials.  and consequently, she has been bugging me to buy her make-up.  it even came to a point that she was bargaining that she will not tag along to somewhere i was going to where she was not allowed on the condition that i will bring make-up when i get back.  i knew i was going to give in eventually  but i didn't want to go to the mall just for that.  so i told her to wait till the weekend when we do go.  she bawled over, gave me the bratty attitude which i so hate, did everything to make me buy her but to no avail.

but yesterday, i found these pretty little things at hortaleza.  made for girls 8-18 "who are in the advent of many beautiful first experiences." 

the culprits:  hypoallergenic pressed powder, lip gloss,
shimmer cheek blush with sunscreen, sparkle eyeshadow

i know, i know! my girl is way too young for make-up.  goodness, she's only turning 6 this april! but i had to humor her.  or maybe, humor myself.  i can't help but give in.  so shoot me, my self-rightoeous, condemning, judgmental readers! ;-)  disclaimer:  i am not, in any way, advocating, endorsing or justifying make-up use for 5-year olds.  

did you shoot me already?

but let me just say that i did lay down the rules.  1)  that she can only wear them if she's going to sing or dance in a school presentation.  incidentally, her moving up ceremony is coming up next month and she's actually going to dance the doxology!  2) that she absolutely cannot wear it in school or in church.  3)  that she washes her face everytime after.

here she is wearing her trial make-up.

on a side note. there was a time when the little girl was told by her teacher that they will have make-up classes on a saturday because of the several typhoons that cancelled classes.  during the evening after of one such class, i asked her how her make-up class went, her reply was, hindi naman kami nag-make up e.  nag-aral lang kami.

turnaround

the little big man's grades dropped this 3rd quarter from last.  significantly.  that's adding insult to injury because from the first to the second quarter it has already dropped and he had made a promise to get them back up but still, he disappointed me.  i found out he has not submitted a couple of homeworks and a book report which he had already made but lost and did not make any effort to make another to submit.  he had high grades in oral and class work and most of his exams and quizzes which only meant he was doing good, if only he'd submitted those darn homeworks!

i told him how irresponsible he had become and really made him feel how disappointed i was in what he had done.  or had not done, for that matter.  i decided to ground him in some way by banning the use of the iPad for the rest of the 4th quarter and he will only be concentrating on homeworks and taekwondo.

last tuesday, when we met at our store after school, he gave me this:

it reads:  BEST ENGLISH SPEAKING PUPIL


i always knew we'd have some use for his talkativeness.  so anyway, right now, we're still focusing on getting him to submit homeworks.  

40

and so the week of my birthday has come and gone.  there were no  surprises, nothing spectacular or extra-ordinary happened.  it just went by like any ordinary week.  except that i got to take a leave from work for 3 straight days without the guilt-trip.  (yes, i do sometimes feel guilty when i'm absent from work.)  and life just moved on for everybody else without them noticing that, hey,  i'm now 40.  

i am thankful for all the greetings.  most especially, the time spent with my kids doing whatever we want, going wherever we want and sleeping as long as i want.  ahhh... the rewards of growing old.  the best things in life are free.

just to let it out

not letting my sadness overcome me...

but there's been a big turnaround in the company i work for.  4 out of 5 of the friends/colleagues i've been with have resigned, retired and regretfully, terminated all within the last 30 days.  things are a bit weird around here.

i need to carry on and i am thankful for the handful who are still here hanging on.  maybe i'd completely go nuts without them.

praying

http://papertolesupply.com/littleboyprayingpapertole3dkit5x7.aspx

our little family recently got into the habit of praying spontaneously.  for years, we've been praying "the angel of god" every night before bedtime.  the four of us know it by heart, even when the kids were too young to pronounce the words, they knew the prayer by sound and would ramble along with the hubby and me whilst we did.


i love that these days, the spontaneous praying has become a requisite.  the little big man prays in english.  the little girl in tagalog.  the hubby in tagalog, me in english.  mostly the kids' prayers are thank yous for the good things that happened during their day.  then they'd say sorry for disobeying or anything they know they did wrong.  what touches me most is when they pray for each other and for their dad and me.  especially their dad about our problems last year.  i feel their sincerity.  i have really cool kids, i know right. :)


as i write, i was supposed to relate an actual prayer but my memory is failing me.  this blog entry was started last january 19 with that in mind but i was unable to finish so i'm just finishing it now.  i will make sure to remember tonight's prayers so i can write them down here.

You Gotta Be

was on the cab on my way to work a while ago and was sort of kind of a little bit depressed coz i left home and the little big man was sick in bed and didn't go to school and the hubby asked if i could skip work and much as i want to do just that, deep breath................ i had to still go coz of a scheduled meeting.

then this song was played on the radio.


You Gotta Be - Des'ree


Listen as your day unfolds 
Challenge what the future holds 
Try and keep your head up to the sky 

Lovers, they may cause you tears 
Go ahead release your fears 
Stand up and be counted 
Don't be ashamed to cry 


You gotta be 
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold 
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard 
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger 
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm 
You gotta stay together 
All I know, all I know, love will save the day 


Herald what your mother said 
Read the books your father read 
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time 


Some may have more cash than you 
Others take a different view 
My oh my heh, hey 


You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold 
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard 
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger 
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm 
You gotta stay together 
All I know, all I know, love will save the day 


Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you 
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace 
The world keeps on spinning 
You can't stop it, if you try to 
This time it's danger staring you in the face 
Oh oh oh Remember 


Listen as your day unfolds 
Challenge what the future holds 
Try and keep your head up to the sky 
Lovers, they may cause you tears 
Go ahead release your fears 
My oh my heh, hey, hey 


You gotta be 
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold 
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard 
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger 
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm 
You gotta stay together 
All I know, all I know, love will save the day 


You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold 
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard 
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger 
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm 
You gotta stay together 
All I know, all I know, love will save the day 

year of the dragon

and so the hubby decided to delve into the rice business.  yesterday we bought the first 10 sacks for trial.  it was timely that yesterday was chinese new year, enter the year of the water dragon.  i'd like to think of it as a lucky start.  and to think, one of the variants of rice that we bought for the house was named Dragon something.  the hubby said if things work out with this one, i can stop working as an employee and concentrate on this one and the t-shirt printing business, while being a stay-at-home mom, just as i've always wanted.

may God be with us in this endeavor.  

kung hei fat choi!

rice, anyone?

someday, we will have this.

I WILL...

happy new year!


i obviously have not blogged (guilty as charged) since the end of 2011.  no excuses.  i've been sorting out this life of mine for the new year and been tweeting a lot of my thoughts instead of here.

spent the first day of the year at the penthouse home with both relatives on my side and hubby's side.  it was an easy parting with 2011.  i'm leaving behind the not so good things that happened to my work and our family and am looking forward to a better year.

i'm not writing down resolutions this year because they usually stay just that -- written promises.  my desktop wallpaper right now says: 

and so, this year 2012, I WILL:

1.  find a new job  (a better one) - not necessarily employment but a new source of income.  it may be prospering the business i already have or transferring to a better company.  

2. grow that t-shirt printing business we started last year by a more aggressive online marketing and personal attention to recommended customers

3. buy / sell children's wear and accessories (also online) through the existing online store of my t-shirts

4.  lose the love handles around my waist - by getting on the treadmill again

5. improve the canteen facilities and food, thus, better income

6. have better skin (by that, i need to cleanse and moisturize daily and not forget my vitamins.  also, lessen causes of stress)


7. go abroad with the little big man for his first international taekwondo tournament.  (mom told me i should make this happen and that boosted my spirits even more to really strive that the whole little family gets to go on this trip.)


8.  be happy.


and since i'm turning 40 this year, (yes you don't have to rub it in because i am not at all bothered)  i'm so psyched to make things REALLY happen for me and my little family.  all by God's WILL.

year ender

and just like that, my favorite time of the year has come and gone.  i've literally waited all year for december, believing that things always get better this season.  the last stretch was the worst time and it made me glad that things worked out eventually.  all in God's time.  i knew i should just believe in His plans.

some really good things happened over the christmas holiday though.  material things.  the new ipad 2, the new refrigerator, the goodies the family got from family and friends, the baguio trip.  spiritually, i believe the little family has gone a little more deeper in faith.  

and as 2011 comes to a close, here's hoping for a brighter year ahead.  looking forward to another new beginning.  and making things right.  abundance!!!!

the sculptor

today i am reminded of that anecdote from way back my SADE days some 20 years ago.  it's a story about a sculptor who was always dissatisfied with his life, always wanting something else aside from what he already had. 

one day, he chanced upon a king who was passing by in a grand chariot and he admired how magnificent and powerful the king was.  he became so envious that he shouted to the heavens, i wish i were king!  the heavens opened up and a ray of light shined upon the sculptor and right then and there, he became a king.

now a happy king, he lived in a castle and ruled a vast and rich country.  until one day, he walked out on his palace's patio and was overwhelmed by the glare of the sun's blinding light.  he couldn't believe something was more magnificent than he.  he became so envious that he shouted to the heavens, i wish i were the sun!  the heavens opened up and a ray of light shined upon the king and right then and there, he became the sun.

later that afternoon, as the new sun shone upon the whole vast country that he once ruled as a king, a gray cloud came by.  it covered the sun and the sun, being permanently in place couldn't do anything about it.  and it realized that this cloud, however gloomy and sad it is, has power over the sun.  he became so envious that he shouted to the heavens, i wish i were a cloud!  the heavens opened up and a ray of light shined upon the sun and right then and there, he became a cloud.

pretty soon, the cloud felt itself getting heavier and heavier.  and after a while, it felt itself transforming into tiny drops of rain.  each drop fiercely fell down on the land below.  it couldn't do anything about it and decided to concentrate dropping on an immovable piece of rock on the ground.  but no matter how hard the rain fell on the rock, it would not budge.  no sir, not one bit.  and the rain was aghast!  he became so envious that he shouted to the heavens, i wish i were a rock!  the heavens opened up and a ray of light shined upon the rain and right then and there, he became a rock.

several weeks passed.  the rock sat quietly on the side of the road.  it knew that it was more powerful than the sculptor, the king, the sun, the cloud and the rain.  unmoving.  unaffected.  lonely.  

until one day, a young man walked past the rock, looked back at it, picked it up and took it home.  the young man then took out a hammer and a chisel and little by little, sculpted the rock a new shape that will later on be admired by generations.  


and the rock knew the power that he had always had inside of him.  he was no longer envious.  and he whispered to the heavens, i wish i were the sculptor that i once was.

"The soul of the world is nourished by people's happiness.

And also by unhappiness, envy and jealousy.

To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation.

All things are one. "

- The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best and you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and I will try to fix you

High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down on your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and I will try to fix you

days after

it's been long since i went to a bank and made a deposit.  most of the time, somebody does my bank errands for me.  today was a different story.  


so when i got there, i saw that the "bar" where you get the deposit slips, withdrawal slips and all those slips was empty.  i politely asked the guard where should i get.  he said there were no more such slips and instead i had to use the touchscreen computer to enter my data.  a nice young woman in a scrubsuit even taught me.


i guess i should start getting used to doing things by myself.  self reliance.

DAY 1

it is official and i don't know how long i will keep count but i long for the day that i no longer have to because i am completely over this.  i don't know if i should keep posting on this blog or start a new one.  because today marks the beginning of a new phase in my life.  

so here's something that will get me through this day and the coming days.  

i will continue to believe in choosing to be happy, the silver lining behind every cloud, the rainbow after the rain and better days ahead.

conversations (the trick question)

after we turned off the lights last night and the little girl was all snuggled and comfy beside me, her brother the little big man on her other side while her dad the hubby on his newly-purchased matress on the floor beside our bed:

mommy, sinong mahal mo?

~~~~~~~~~~~
backgrounder:  the little girl is obsessed about knowing that i love her most.  she constantly needs reaffirmation of this fact and usually asks randomly like that.  i used to reply to this question with my truest, safest answer, which is kayong dalawa ng kuya mo.  to which she would disagree and would insist that i choose only one.  and i would tell her that i cannot choose only one because i love them both equally -- as my son and as my daughter.  

usually, conversations like these are open-ended and it disappoints her that she is not loved more than her brother.  but i stand by my answer.  until a couple of months or so ago, i was talking with the little big man and we happened to discuss this issue.  i told him that whenever his sister asks this question, i have a hard time with her.  and he told me it's ok with him to tell her (or make her believe) that she is more loved than he. he understands because she's still young and cannot decipher yet.  but he does know i've loved him for 9 years now and his sister for 5 and it will be ok for him to hear that i love his sister more than he, for the sake of his sister's satisfaction.  he is confident enough that i love him as much, period.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

so last night, upon popping the question, the little big man and i nudged each other knowingly.  while i know in the darkness, the hubby breaks into a smile.


so i answered, alam mo naman sagot di ba?


and she goes, eh basta sagutin mo yung tanong ko.  sinong mahal mo?  may kasunod pang tanong dun.


so i rolled my eyes and hugged her to me and proudly said,  syempre ikaw.

WAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! in the silence and darkness of our bedroom, she literally bawled and broke into tears.  i jumped up and gathered her in my arms to comfort her only to be pushed away by her little arms and hands as she shouted dejectedly,  hindi mo ko mahal, hindi mo ko mahal!!!


i tried to calm her, asking her why was she reacting that way when i was sure it was the answer she wanted to hear.


kase yung susunod na tanong ko, sinong pinakamahal mo!  (more sobs, tears and stomping of her feet in the air, and crossing of her arms so i couldn't make her hug me back)   hindi ako pinakamahal mo!


then, laughter.  from the hubby her dad.  from the little big man her brother.  while i tried to suppress mine, it still came out and broke her heart even more.  she cried some more while i still tried to hug her to me.  


pinagtatawanan nyo pa ko! hindi nyo ko mahal lahat kayo!


later, after some explanations, she calmed down.


ang daya mo naman kase.  trick question na nga yung una, may second trick question pa pala.


this kid -- she's just impossible aint she?  :-D  this story i will add to my imaginary box of cute memorable conversations with the little girl.  together with the story of the upo and blast from the past.

A child can ask questions that even a wise man cannot answer.

- Author unknown

shark bait

Don't think that there are no sharks 

just because the water is calm.

today marks the little big man's return to taekwondo training.  


last october 19, during training, he sprained his ankle upon hitting his teammate's thigh.  thinking it wasn't a big deal, he competed in the SCAA four days later only to aggravate the hurt ankle even more.  after that, we decided to let it heal first before training again.  after a week, it still hurt whenever he stretched his foot so we went to a rehab doctor who put him on a 4-session therapy to help it heal and advised not to stress his foot for the next 2 weeks.  which meant no running, no jumping and most of all, no kicking until the 3rd week of november.


so today, he's back.  as i watched him warming up, doing his ___ and study sparring, it seemed to me that he didn't even slip over the last month in the intensity of his kicks.  it seemed to me that he got even stronger and more confident.  perhaps it's because he missed training and gave it his all tonight.  or perhaps it's just me, the mother, who thinks her kid is the greatest in the world.  


i guess i'm just happy he's at it again.  and looking forward to fulfilling his dreams.


and so i say, watch out world, sharkboy is back.  

Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls

and you ask me what i want this year

and i try to make this kind and clear

just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

coz i don't need boxes wrapped in strings

and desire and love and empty things

just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

so take these words

and sing out loud

coz everyone is forgiven now

coz tonight's the night the world begins again

and it's someplace simple where we could live

and something only you can give

and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive

and the one poor child that saved this world

and there's 10 million more who probably could

if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

so take these words

and sing out loud

coz everyone is forgiven now

coz tonight's the night the world begins again

i wish everyone was loved tonight

and somehow stop this endless fight

just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

so take these words

and sing out loud

coz everyone is forgiven now

coz tonight's the night the world begins again

coz tonight's the night the world begins again

look! a rainbow!

this morning, on the cab on our way to the little big man's school we saw this:

sorry it's blurred, i was inside a moving vehicle when i shot this.  it's a rainbow, in case you can't recognize it. it's special because it's a full arch -- as in half a circle which sent me a lot more positive vibes.

last night was another restless night.  i was finally able to download "Sound of Music" for my mom.  yes, the 1965 classic which she has been requesting since about two weeks ago when i also had restless nights. funny how i am able to accomplish things when there are restless nights.  so ok, i'm being redundant.  but my life *has* actually become redundant with the burden that God is putting me through right now.  i know this will pass and i am hanging on.  i don't know His plans for me and my family but i believe if He put me to this, He'll get me through this.  

another "good" thing about these restless nights is that i am also able to watch the new tv series that i want (new girl, 2 broke girls) and update on the old ones i missed (glee, big bang theory) because no one is bugging me to watch other shows.  i am able to sleep at whatever time i want and go on the internet until forever.  my kids' nanny has been helpful, both physically and emotionally and i am grateful for the time we spend talking and she giving me encouragement.  who would've thought she could become my friend?  my mom had nothing but kind words of hope and support and surprisingly, my dad is calmer and only wishes me to handle this with compassion.

i've looked through the internet for ways to help myself and my little family and i know with time and patience, we will overcome this.

so like in my last post, this post is testament to my faith in the rainbow after the rain, the silver lining behind every cloud and a happier me once all this is over.

God measures a person with the burden He puts on him.  

So when we feel our load is heavier than the rest, 

be happy for God sees us stronger than the rest.

-SMS sent by chinggu just this morning

Notes:
Week before Migo's bday, 10k?? Forgot
Week before Oct 23, Nem's wedding, 6k
Nov 8 - 17, 16k
Nov 23 - 25, 2k

barf

feel so sick i'm gonna barf on my office table right about... now.

the silver lining

i'm sad as shit right now.  but i don't want it to get to me.  so i've decided to write down the things i have to thank for so as not to feel the hurt.  i have to re-affirm to myself that i am still blessed despite the troubles i am going through.  surely, there are more people in far more worse situations than what i am in right now.

for starters, i am super thankful for my two wonderful kids.  they make me crazy most of the time, when they argue or try to compete for attention but hey, i cannot ask for anybody else.  they're my treasures.  and i'm glad that they love me back even if i scream at them at times.  and i know they won't ask for another mom too.

secondly, i am mega thankful for my friends.  my younger set of colleagues keep me sane at work.  the gays add the spice to living daily in our office.  also, my best friends who i get to talk to online for they're far away are also present in my daily struggles.  these people don't have a clue as to my pain thereby giving me spontaneity and a sense of normalcy.  they don't know how much they're helping me cope.

i am uber grateful for my mom and my dad who understands me and let's me be.  


i am very thankful to God for giving me problems He knows i can handle.  indeed, there is always a silver lining in every cloud.  i haven't seen it yet but i know, it will be visible soon.  i just have to trust and have faith.

Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. 

George Seaton

realize

just after my blog entry last wednesday, about choosing to be happy, i received a call about a job interview.  it's been a while that my friend from that company has asked me if i wanted to try it out with them. 

to make a long story short, i went to that interview, was given a job offer on the same day, was asked to start immediately on december 1.  and i was left with a realization.

that i seriously did not want to do it.  that getting the same job as i have right now is no longer what's in my heart.  and i knew, the decision has been made a long time ago.  i only needed this to know, for sure.

choose to be happy

as much as a lot of things should be depressing me right now, i am choosing to be happy.  a lot of things are happening that are not favorable, if not downright unpleasant and unwanted.

work, for one thing, has become a roller-coaster ride gone awry.  by that, you'd think i'm exaggerating.  but no.  it has indeed become the weirdest place on earth.  there have become new policies, restrictions and people who i cannot fathom as to why those things happened.  sorry to say, boss, if you're reading this.  i have been dedicated to my job in the company for the last 5 years.  5 YEARS!  most of the things promised me years ago have gone to naught and some benefits i had were retracted.  in its place, doubts to an upward career path.  i'm not ungrateful though.  there are some things that the company has given like the 5pm off in place of my favorite flexi schedule.  (i hated it when they told us no more flexi schedule but like all lowly employees, i did not have a choice!)  

this morning, it took me the whole ride to the little big man's school before i decided if i wanted to go to work or not.  coz i honestly, did NOT want to.

i do not wish to enumerate anymore because, like i said, i'm choosing to be happy.  i will look forward to a better day today.  maybe clean my table and start fresh or something.  

or maybe, i'll go home by lunchtime. 

Man is fond of counting his troubles but he does not count his joys.  

If he counted them up as he ought to, 

he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.

~Fyodor Dostoevsky

shakira

the little girl has discovered a new interest.


belly-dancing.


last night when i got home, she told me to watch her belly-dance.  she asked the hubby to look up that shakira video on you tube and she was gonna show me.  i watched her wiggle her bum and shake her hips like yeah.  she even did it in slow-mo.  


whew.  now looking for a belly-dancing class for her.

Quotable Quotes

it's right after a 4-day weekend and i had to literally drag myself to work this morning.  i woke up the usual hour at 5 but played with my tab for a good 30 minutes before going to the shower.  i folded worn clothes for the laundry, fixed the elastic adjuster on the little big man's shorts, sorted out the disarray of little things on the table.... did *literally* anything to delay my trip to work.

the little kids woke up almost the same time and watched me fixing myself up.  they KNEW i was going to work and they'd be left nanny-less today but with their dad.


randomly,


sana 2012 na.  said the little big man sitting on the couch while the hubby came out of the bedroom.

baket?  me while the hubby and i threw each other questioning glances.


kase pag 2012 na, di ka na magwo-work tapos ikaw na magpre-prepare ng baon ko sa school tsaka lagi ka na lang nandito....

i didn't know they were really holding on to that.  and somehow, i felt the pressure to give in.