mortality

what a morbid way to start a day.

i was sitting in the cab on my way to work and started recalling the events of the day before.  it was the first time i was by myself since i read the medical recommendation.

i shut my eyes tight and thought how it would feel like in the last few moments before i die.  it would be totally dark, exactly like the state i was in with my eyes closed.  i would still hear the sounds around me.  i would shiver in the sudden cold that envelopes me.  then slowly, slowly, i would slip into oblivion... i imagine this to be the way i would like to go.  no pain, just peaceful.  happy.  ready.  no worries about those i would leave behind.

it was yesterday afternoon when they called everyone at the office to get the results of our annual physical examination.  i went up casually to kathy who was releasing the print outs of the results and she told me -- casually too -- that i needed to consult with a cardiologist regarding my ecg exam.  it didn't sink in right away.  i took the print out, randomly went over the report and found at the bottom what she was talking about:  ADVISE CONSULT.  Further, i checked the other half sheet of paper where it said the following:

Electrocardiogram

Rhythm: Sinus Bradycardia

Interpretation: Poor R wave progression

 Left axis Deviation

upon realization what this means, i tried to find a chair to sit on.  what if i have heart failure and i'm gonna die soon?  (i know now that i was overreacting but what did you expect?!)  

i thought of my kids and how young they still are to lose their mother.  (ok, ok i can see you're slowly breaking into a smile, whoever you are reading this!)  

then came flashbacks of me having those episodes of having shortness of breath in the last 12 months or so.  (could those have been symptoms?)    also those headaches..... fatigue usually after work hours..... headaches...

when i got back to my table, i immediately googled the diagnosis.  sinus bradycardia is a sinus rhythm with a resting heart rate of 60 beats per minute or less. however, few patients actually become symptomatic until their heart rate drops to less than 50 beats per minute. the action potential responsible for this rhythm arises from the sinus node and causes a P wave on the surface ECG that is normal in terms of both amplitude and vector. these P waves are typically followed by a normal QRS complex and T wave.  (lifted from emedicine website)

simply put, my heart is beating slowly.

today i am reminded of my mortality. and  today i resolve to see that cardiologist this weekend and get this over with.  my health is more important now more than ever because my children depend on me to always be there for them.  i cannot afford to miss out on all those meaningful events in their lives.  i cannot NOT be strong enough to defend them in times of trouble.  any problem with me or my state of being simply CANNOT BE.