Liminal Space

This morning, I attended a worship service at the office which I initially thought was a first Friday mass. 

The pastor spoke about Liminal space and the Liminality of God.

Great, I thought. This is exactly where i am right now.  I couldn't help but post this on IG right after.

This past month of May has been a month of transition, decisions of going forward or staying behind, major life changes. 

I brought the little girl to voice lessons. She also went on a 2-day acting workshop which she immensely enjoyed more than the singing which took a few weeks.

I got a new seat / desk at work at the corner of the 2nd floor office. As if that's a major life change but then now it's more airy and spacious so I guess that will affect my work attitude and flow.

The boss asked me if I wanted to level up. He wanted me to take on the responsibility of being Division Head. The following day I talked to the VP for HR and told her I didn't wanna. I knew it was something I shouldn't do, being that, the dynamics of the company will only make me the fall guy. I am happily placed already where I am and doing good at it. So why spoil the broth. My VP told me the same.

I decided to transfer the kids to a new school. Practical reasons. Lower tuition fees, no school bus service, being that it's walking distance from our house. Shorter school hours too. More time to sleep in the morning and will get home early in the afternoon. They will still be tutored by my cousin and I have high hopes they will excel this year.

I finally bought that new car I've been pining over since last year. I will now be able to go anywhere I want with the kids, independent of anyone to drive for us.

I've contacted a prospective employer. We've planned a meeting to discuss things but so far nothing concrete yet. But he did say he's definitely considering me on his team. Which is something I am holding on to.

My sister-in-law who's been helping me and hubby has been having her own personal problems. She and her kids slept over one weekend this May. I want to be there for her emotionally but we don't get to talk often.

The start of June has been nothing but positive for me. I can say I'm contented and happy right now. Something happened with the hubby last weekend where he is right now and it got me worried for a while but I guess he can deal with it. I'm praying for him constantly. 

I'm looking forward to better days ahead.

It is not the strongest of the species that survive,

nor the most intelligent,

but the one most responsive to change.

~ Charles Darwin

A good read:

http://inaliminalspace.com/about/what

Bruce

I've been thinking about it for the last 13 months. At the start of 2015, the desire was too great not to do something about it. (It is more of a need, actually, not a want. Yes, I am justifying my action.)

His name is Bruce. He's small for a guy but quite brusque in my opinion. He's black. Please, no judgment there. He's actually cute and charming but has this air of being smug, sort of reserved and secretive. My dad didn't like him when he met him. But all dads are like that. He wanted Red but at the last minute, I chose this guy.

My daughter wanted to call her Nicki. I asked her why. Her reply: Nicki Mirage.  

Just this morning, I've decided she/he will be named Nicki Bruce. 
Gender: Gay. Yeahhh! Lalaki sa umaga, babae sa gabi at pag weekends. 

P.S. In January 2015, en route to Baguio with my family, we first went to Manaoag and as I saw cars lined up to be blessed, I made a mental note to have mine blessed there too. I didn't realize Our Lady was listening. 

The cars we drive say a lot about us.

~Alexandra Paul

Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.

~Drake

blessed

Woke up today to this.

A clean living room.

Not worrying about doing the laundry.

(Yes our kasambahay arrived last Sunday and officially started work yesterday.)

The slow steady breathing of my two sleeping kids.

New haircut and hair color from yesterday's me time.

Cooking 3-cheese fetuccini pasta and toasting garlic buttered baguettes for breakfast. (So who says it has to be eggs benedict all the time? Hehe)

Tuesday and it's a non-working holiday.

Thank you for blessing me in more ways than I know.

Reflect upon your present blessings --

of which every man has many --

not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

~Charles Dickens 

Parang sabi ni God...

Today I posted this on my Instagram account. Now I'm thinking of starting a blog of all these little instances when I think God is trying to tell me something. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was about to water the plants this morning, it rained a little. Parang sabi ni God, "Sige na anak, mag instagram ka muna. Sagot ko na ang plants." #blessed #simplejoys

Tapos umaraw na ulit. Sabi nya, "O maglaba ka na."

the aftermath

Every morning since June 9 the first day of school, I look forward to a view like this. 

Well not necessarily this as in this coz this pic was art directed and posted on my Instagram account. But every morning, I look forward to that moment when the kids have boarded the school bus and I am back on the dining table staring at the leftovers of a hurriedly-eaten, half-eaten  or uneaten breakfast. In this case, empty mason jars of milk.

Usually I wake up at 4:30am -- more or less -- depending on last night's episode of Pinoy Big Brother or if it took me long browsing Facebook/Instagram or if I stayed up farming on Hayday. The first thing I do is iron the kids' uniforms. Then heat up water for their bath. Put together a nice, healthy (yeah right) breakfast. 

I wake the little girl first. Actually I carry her to the bathroom and wake her with the first splashes of water. After her, I wake the little big man. And while he bathes, I drag the little girl to the dining table and force feed her. I check their school bags. I pack their snacks. I try never to forget the little girl's water. I make sure to put lunch money in the little big man's pockets. Then he comes out for his breakfast. They try to annoy each other which takes up some time. I flare up a bit. I make them drink milk and vitamins. I have to remind them, always, to brush their teeth.

Before we know it, the school bus is downstairs. So we head out and then, just like that, they're gone.

Leisurely, I would go back upstairs. Sit somewhere, give a deep sigh of relief. This. Is. This. The aftermath of the beginning of my day.

Then I would load up the washing machine while watering the plants. I would clean up the mess on the dining table, wash dishes, fix the bedroom, go back outside to rinse and hang the clothes from the washing machine. I would sneak in a few minutes of Instagram and Hayday. I would fold clothes from the previous day's laundry.

After all of this is the time when I will take a bath, clean my nails and get ready for work. By 7:30am, I'm off to the office.

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

Now let's talk about when I get back at home in the evening. And not to mention, my day at work.

growing plants

i am not into plants. i'm into pets but i don't have a pet because i cannot take care of one, what with my hyperactive, choleric, type A personality kids who take up my time and energy. i do not want plants in my life as much as i don't want pets because of the responsibility they bring.

but i've been watering my mom's plants daily for over a month now. i don't have a choice because they are placed in the front yard of our little penthouse for the longest time and there is no one to take care of them now but me. so just this summer, i get up at 5:30 in the morning to water them. everyday.

and i dunno... i've grown a slight attachment to them. i pick out dried leaves and weed out those unsightly grass that grow here and there.  i got guilty when i went on vacation for 2 days and i got home and some of them dried up a bit. i also began to treat my daily watering chore as a form of exercise, what with me dipping the tabo in the timba for each potted plant. and boy, have i got a lot of potted plants to pour into so you can just imagine how many times i bend over and carry each tabo of water to each plant.

anyway, this morning, i was in awe to find most of "my" plants healthy and.... flowering!

over the last month, i've grown too with my plants. just as i did my best to nurture them, i nurtured myself. i've learned to be self-reliant now more than ever. things i never did before on my own, i can now do by myself. cooking. laundry. house-cleaning. more recently, driving. and basically, managing my household. i have re-affirmed that God gave me trials and hard times for me to become a better person. just as those plants experienced dry season, they are now blooming in summertime.

yeah. me. blooming in summertime. :)

belated happy mother's day to me.

A garden requires labor and attention. 

Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions.

They thrive because someone expended effort on them.

~Liberty Hyde Bailey

Note To Self

last night, i posted this on my facebook wall and pondered upon it.

today, i talked to our company's hr manager and shared it with him -- somehow letting him know that this is my mindset for now regarding the current goings-on in the company. 

maybe another mantra in connection to this is this song that my little girl has been busy memorizing and singing almost every hour that she's awake:

my advice -- to myself -- since i guess i don't see myself leaving the company in the very near future, is to go with it, do my best, shun negative thoughts. Work.

13 Things I Learned From My Hospital Bed

And so I was hospitalized for 4 days.  In between getting high on fever and f***ing-hard-on-the-abs chills, I found myself looking at my life from the outside of my body and realized a few things.  At one point, I even had that Insidious-movie-like experience wherein I felt myself dreaming and going somewhere else astrally.  (if there's such a word)

Anyway, here goes some of my musings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.  I'm a dextrose addict.  I almost always feel better when attached to it.

2.  I will never look at mocha-flavored icing cake the same way again.  Very graphic in my mind so I won't explain anymore.

3.  True caring friends surprise visit you and you're all touched coz they remembered you....... and then they go out for lunch.

4.  The transvaginal whatever apparatus!

5.  Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lithotripsy.  No, it's not some house music that makes you tipsy.  It's a non-invasive treatment of kidney stones.

6.  The hubby is imperfect and it took this trip to the hospital to prove that even more.

7.  Even if nothing hurts, you don't know for sure that you're not sick somewhere inside so it's always best to see a doctor.

8.  100% of male doctors are gay.  (Well, at least, based on the doctors I saw during this confinement.)

9.  A warm blanky can only do so much when the chills kick in; but a cuddly little girl beside me drives the cold away.

10.  My Mom will always, always be there for me.

11.  I cannot be a Mom and be sick at the same time.  And so, the decision has been made.

12.  That old adage that goes, "Health is wealth."

13.  I am Superwoman.

There is one consolation in being sick;

and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state

than you were in before.

- Henry David Thoreau

loss

three days ago.

this story is supposed to be about my two kids'  taekwondo tournament but it's gonna segue into a totally different, devastating story.  that is a forewarning.

it was the bulacan taekwondo championships held in marilao convention center in, where else, bulacan.  the kids were psyched for another fight and so were hubby and me.  i can say that we live for days like these.  it just makes us plain happy.

little girl was sent to the mats early and won her first game without a sweat.  (that's me, the mom, talking.)  second game was a breeze.  (again, proud mom moment.)  

her finals match was unexpected.  she was up against an older girl but with the same height, the younger sister of a veteran champ in clraa (central luzon ahtletic association or something) and although wearing a white belt, we expect has been training way longer than my little girl.  little girl overwhelmingly lost her finals match.  and her tears of furstration and hurt were overwhelming as well.  i consoled her of course that it was not something to be ashamed of and that we're all still proud of her.

...ooOoo...

little big man's first game was a breeze too.  then finals match was definitely not hard but sadly, he lost by 1 point.  he was disappointed of course, being hungry for another gold again but i guess, luck wasn't on his side.... yet.  coach told hubby that the little big man already has everything -- skills, form, speed -- we just have to be a little more patient and we will harvest soon. this guy's time will come.  i've said this time and time again, everytime he loses, because i strongly believe so.

...ooOoo...

towards late afternoon, the intense games of the kids' high school teammates got us all worked up and cheering on the sides.  it became an opportunity for some nitwit to steal my handbag which i left on a chair together with our team's bags and equipment.  the thief singled out my bag because i left our low bat iPad®  inside.  he must've been around already since morning, checking out who would be neglectful of their belongings, and i turned out to be the unknowing victim.

when i found my chair without my bag, i told the hubby and we informed coach who announced it over the microphone to please be mindful of belongings since a parent (me!!) lost her bag.  a little while later, coach's wife when she found out, told us she noticed an abandoned bag inside one of the stinky toilets.  and there it was.  my ransacked bag without the iPad and my wallet.

three lessons in losing today:

1)  the little girl's loss tells me that despite doing your best, if the other person who beat you is way ahead of you, you have to accept.  but you better train harder so you will be as good as her, if not better.

2)  the little big man's loss tells me that being the winner is not a one-time thing.  the process of getting there, overcoming obstacles, learning and maturing marks the true champion.  his time will come.

3)  and what did i learn from my loss?  never leave your personal belongings unattended.  God bless that nitwit thief.  and God bless me more.

“Winning or losing achieves the same result-- change.” 

― Shannon L. Alder

happy birthday little big man

dear little big man,

today is your 10th birthday.  i am so happy to see how you've grown so well into your 2-digit age.  you've brought a lot of pride and happiness to me and your dad  these past century of our life.  i want to thank you for that.

i only wish you to fulfill your big dreams.  learning everything you can in school, becoming a taekwondo black belt and competing and winning in your sport.  becoming a loving kuya to your little sister and an obedient son too.  often when we're praying silently, you would ask me what my prayer for myself is.  and i'd tell you that whatever you prayed for, i prayed to God that He give it to you as long as it is what He intended for you.  eversince i had you, i only wished for nothing but your complete happiness.  for it will make me happy as well.

son, please grow up to be a better man.  let's overcome life's obstacles together.  i'll be in front but please promise me that you will be behind me -- my back-up.

i love you, today and always.

mom

the silver lining

i'm sad as shit right now.  but i don't want it to get to me.  so i've decided to write down the things i have to thank for so as not to feel the hurt.  i have to re-affirm to myself that i am still blessed despite the troubles i am going through.  surely, there are more people in far more worse situations than what i am in right now.

for starters, i am super thankful for my two wonderful kids.  they make me crazy most of the time, when they argue or try to compete for attention but hey, i cannot ask for anybody else.  they're my treasures.  and i'm glad that they love me back even if i scream at them at times.  and i know they won't ask for another mom too.

secondly, i am mega thankful for my friends.  my younger set of colleagues keep me sane at work.  the gays add the spice to living daily in our office.  also, my best friends who i get to talk to online for they're far away are also present in my daily struggles.  these people don't have a clue as to my pain thereby giving me spontaneity and a sense of normalcy.  they don't know how much they're helping me cope.

i am uber grateful for my mom and my dad who understands me and let's me be.  


i am very thankful to God for giving me problems He knows i can handle.  indeed, there is always a silver lining in every cloud.  i haven't seen it yet but i know, it will be visible soon.  i just have to trust and have faith.

Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. 

George Seaton

the new baby b



http://www.achildbirth.com/birthing-options.html



last year, hubby and i decided on a new baby:  http://ceschami.blogspot.com/2010/07/baby-b-electricity-and-water.html

only this year, this month has it finally come to fruition.  well, just so that on the onset, everything is clear, i'm not talking about a human baby.  we got everything set up already and all it needs is the actual implementation and roll out.

well they said it was the rapture yesterday, if not the end of the world, but i say it's a new beginning for the hubby and me and our little family.  God spoke to me again last friday while we were preparing everything for the baby.  i saw a couple, the man was on crutches and the woman was on a wheelchair.  they were already doing the exact same thing hubby and i were planning to do!  and there i was, watching them in awe, teary-eyed as always, because God's ways of making me realize His blessings for me and my little family are simply awesome.

so wish me luck and by the grace of God, the patience, perseverance and will to carry this through.

Birthing a business is like birthing a baby.

You go through the gestation period as you begin to manifest your idea.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/starting-a-business-is-like-having-a-baby