Dad

Today my mom asked me to move back to our family home. The home where I grew up in. The home where only she and my Dad are living in now. That old home that I left many years ago and have started to call "my mom and dad's house" instead of home.

A year ago, my Dad was hospitalized for the first time in his entire life. It triggered the start of many medical checkups that found him with liver cirrhosis and end stage liver cancer. On New Year's Day of 2015, while on our way to Tagaytay with my brother's family, he was hospitalized again becuase he was vomitting blood. Many tests and check ups and consultations thereafter, in August of this year, he underwent RFA (Radiofrequency Ablation) wherein a needle was stuck in his tummy towards the tumor in his liver to burn the mass. Masses, prayers, trips to PAdre Pio Shrine is what my Dad believes to be keeping him from anything worse.

The doctor said this month that my Dad can eat anything he wants. This is so he would at least eat. Because he hasn't been eating full meals for the past 6 months! And Dad thinks he's completely healed. Because, according to him, why would the doctor tell him to anything he wants if he's still sick?

So there goes my Mom asking me to move back. I know what it means. She doesn't want to be alone to face the inevitable. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to face it with her.

Stage mom feels

I am the worst kind of mother.

I did not know that today the little big man, who's not so little anymore, who just turned 13 just over a week ago, was one of the contestants in a beauty pageant in school. All the while, I thought he was preparing for a class presentation for their Buwan Ng Wika culminating activity. I even considered going to work today because my boss was hesitant in allowing me to take a leave. At the last minute though, my leave was approved. But really, all the while I thought it was just one of those routine activities that a good mother should attend for her kids. I was so wrong.

How do I describe the feeling? Years ago, I witnessed this little big man fight in his very first taekwondo competition. I had jitters. My hands trembled as I held the videocam to capture the fight. I was a newbie taekwondo parent surrounded by parents of brown- and black-belts who've been through dozens of competitions. That first competition gave him a bronze medal. He came out of it triumphant and went on to dozens more competitions with more bronzes, silvers and golds. And me? I came out even more triumphant with every medal, every fall, every tear. He had as many triumphs as defeats.

Today I was a newbie mom to a teenage son who joined a beauty/talent/intelligence contest for the first time.

It felt exactly the same thing.

I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty 

but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging 

as any honorable profession in the world 

and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.

~Rose Kennedy

Folding the page

I've been meaning to write this entry since Sunday but I couldn't find on Google the poem I wanna write about. The poem was read to us by our priest during mass that day and it stuck to me.  I was almost teary-eyed.

So the poem goes something like the author chancing upon an old text book in the attic and when he opened it, he found a folded page.  On it was written fold this page for now because you're too young to understand, but someday you'll understand. And now that he's grown and found that old textbook, he read the page again and then, yes, he understood.

Those words spoke to me about my family situation now. It's hard the way things have turned out. I cannot fathom why this happened to me and my family. I even wondered what I'd done wrong to deserve this punishment. If this was karma, what have I done to deserve this fate? I cannot understand. I've prayed and prayed for better days but it has become worse.

So what to do? Let God. I've lifted everything up to Him. Someday, I'll understand. I'm folding this page for now.

just another weekend

Hello Monday morning!

It was a productive weekend. By that I mean, I was able to finish 4 weeks worth of laundry including 3 bedsheets. I bought new curtains.

I bought two new cacti and a potted giant rose plant.

I didn't do my tryinghardchef stint this time, except for the mandatory buttered shrimp for the little girl. But I did buy a tom yum soup pack for next weekend's shrimp. For a change. 😊 I also bought Yummy, a recipe magazine so I'm sure to try out new food this week. I am excited about that.

Kids and I attended The Feast Valenzuela again yesterday (2nd time this month). So heartwarming. Kids think we should attend it every week. Which makes me really glad that they like worship.

We haven't gone to taekwondo training for 3 weeks. It feels sad not to be able to go and letting my kids' "athleticity" go to naught. But last night Mommy O called and said the coach wants the little big man in the national tournament on the 26th. That's two weeks away so we gotta work up our schedule to be able to train.

So I'm off to a brand new week. Wish me luck. Good vibes only. God's will, God's time.

13 Things I Learned From My Hospital Bed

And so I was hospitalized for 4 days.  In between getting high on fever and f***ing-hard-on-the-abs chills, I found myself looking at my life from the outside of my body and realized a few things.  At one point, I even had that Insidious-movie-like experience wherein I felt myself dreaming and going somewhere else astrally.  (if there's such a word)

Anyway, here goes some of my musings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.  I'm a dextrose addict.  I almost always feel better when attached to it.

2.  I will never look at mocha-flavored icing cake the same way again.  Very graphic in my mind so I won't explain anymore.

3.  True caring friends surprise visit you and you're all touched coz they remembered you....... and then they go out for lunch.

4.  The transvaginal whatever apparatus!

5.  Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lithotripsy.  No, it's not some house music that makes you tipsy.  It's a non-invasive treatment of kidney stones.

6.  The hubby is imperfect and it took this trip to the hospital to prove that even more.

7.  Even if nothing hurts, you don't know for sure that you're not sick somewhere inside so it's always best to see a doctor.

8.  100% of male doctors are gay.  (Well, at least, based on the doctors I saw during this confinement.)

9.  A warm blanky can only do so much when the chills kick in; but a cuddly little girl beside me drives the cold away.

10.  My Mom will always, always be there for me.

11.  I cannot be a Mom and be sick at the same time.  And so, the decision has been made.

12.  That old adage that goes, "Health is wealth."

13.  I am Superwoman.

There is one consolation in being sick;

and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state

than you were in before.

- Henry David Thoreau

loss

three days ago.

this story is supposed to be about my two kids'  taekwondo tournament but it's gonna segue into a totally different, devastating story.  that is a forewarning.

it was the bulacan taekwondo championships held in marilao convention center in, where else, bulacan.  the kids were psyched for another fight and so were hubby and me.  i can say that we live for days like these.  it just makes us plain happy.

little girl was sent to the mats early and won her first game without a sweat.  (that's me, the mom, talking.)  second game was a breeze.  (again, proud mom moment.)  

her finals match was unexpected.  she was up against an older girl but with the same height, the younger sister of a veteran champ in clraa (central luzon ahtletic association or something) and although wearing a white belt, we expect has been training way longer than my little girl.  little girl overwhelmingly lost her finals match.  and her tears of furstration and hurt were overwhelming as well.  i consoled her of course that it was not something to be ashamed of and that we're all still proud of her.

...ooOoo...

little big man's first game was a breeze too.  then finals match was definitely not hard but sadly, he lost by 1 point.  he was disappointed of course, being hungry for another gold again but i guess, luck wasn't on his side.... yet.  coach told hubby that the little big man already has everything -- skills, form, speed -- we just have to be a little more patient and we will harvest soon. this guy's time will come.  i've said this time and time again, everytime he loses, because i strongly believe so.

...ooOoo...

towards late afternoon, the intense games of the kids' high school teammates got us all worked up and cheering on the sides.  it became an opportunity for some nitwit to steal my handbag which i left on a chair together with our team's bags and equipment.  the thief singled out my bag because i left our low bat iPad®  inside.  he must've been around already since morning, checking out who would be neglectful of their belongings, and i turned out to be the unknowing victim.

when i found my chair without my bag, i told the hubby and we informed coach who announced it over the microphone to please be mindful of belongings since a parent (me!!) lost her bag.  a little while later, coach's wife when she found out, told us she noticed an abandoned bag inside one of the stinky toilets.  and there it was.  my ransacked bag without the iPad and my wallet.

three lessons in losing today:

1)  the little girl's loss tells me that despite doing your best, if the other person who beat you is way ahead of you, you have to accept.  but you better train harder so you will be as good as her, if not better.

2)  the little big man's loss tells me that being the winner is not a one-time thing.  the process of getting there, overcoming obstacles, learning and maturing marks the true champion.  his time will come.

3)  and what did i learn from my loss?  never leave your personal belongings unattended.  God bless that nitwit thief.  and God bless me more.

“Winning or losing achieves the same result-- change.” 

― Shannon L. Alder

cousins

our little family went on a roadtrip last weekend to orani, bataan. we went to celebrate the feast of our lady of the rosary, which not many of you know, is where my first name rosario was derived from by my dad, who is a devotee.

we went to the 11am mass and afterwards, watched the banda ng mosiko, while my dad related his stories to my kids about how it used to be when he was young there in their town.

then we went to my cousin's house and had lunch.  

best part of the day were the kids enjoying their short but fun time bonding with their cousins that they didn't want to go home when it was time.  the little big man was literally begging me to let him stay overnight.  of course, that wasn't possible so hubby and i promised them we'll come back on the 31st and stay overnight.  i understand how much they long to be with their cousins and i'm glad they've built friendships and bonds with them that will last forever.

"a cousin is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost."

love in its simplest form

today i'm talking about love in its simplest form.  it's been a while again that i have not blogged.  many good and not so good things have happened which i have failed to document in this blog.  but yesterday, God sort of nudged me a bit that made me want to write (blog) about it.

my little family and i were at sunday mass which was packed full.  the kids and i fit in a pew while the hubby was in the pew in front of us.  beside him was a much more little family than ours.

a man, two sons.  one son had down syndrome.  the other was normal, around 18 years old.  

since they were right in front of me, i could see their little gestures and affectionate pats on the arm, loving smiles and the dad's sweet kiss on his son with down syndrome's cheek.  they were a picture of a happy, contented family who loved one another dearly.  i wondered where their mom might be?

later, hubby told me, since he was sitting beside the normal son that he saw him show his brother his cellphone, took his brother's hand and let him touch with his fingers the touchscreen phone.  and it brightened his brother's face.

wow.  love.

i took this as an opportunity to make sermon my kids again as to how they should be loving each other.  of course, as always, they didn't seem to be listening to me.  but i know in my mind that they are keeping these life lessons in their hearts.

“I sustain myself with the love of family.” 

― Maya Angelou

kicking it again

the little big man was in a taekwondo tournament yesterday.  after a long while again.  it used to be that almost every month we were on a tournament somewhere in this country.  we miss those days.

anyway, he got a bronze medal after losing in the semi-finals to a black belt.  score was a very tight 2-1.  worth-reading an old post i wrote about losing:  

http://ceschami.blogspot.com/2011/04/prize.html?showComment=1303271527948#c2292520225407376454

the highlight of the day was the little big man's cousin -- my brother's son.  it was his first time to compete.  he trained for a week and his dad convinced him to try out this competition.  his was just an exhibition game, with our coach making sure he doesn't get traumatized on his very first game.  well, he lost but got himself a silver medal for trying.  he needs a lot of training and i hope he and his dad seriously get into this.  

the hubby came to the event and the kids were mighty glad to see him.  although the little girl started crying when he was about to leave again later in the afternoon.  things are tough but i know in my heart we will all be able to cope.

mommy fail

busy days at work took a backseat again yesterday for my kids' annual field demo day in school.  past years it was only the little big man's day.  this year is more meaningful and eventful, being the little girl is now in 1st grade and participating in the activity.

about two weeks ago, i was already on my toes finding the materials for their costume which was prescribed by the school.  i needed orange gina cloth (luckily both kids needed the same color), white leotards, black shorts, orange shorts, gold foil paper, dark blue art paper, green satin ribbon... the works.  the last night before the event, i had to cram sewing and pasting and putting together the 2 different costumes for the 2 kids.

so yesterday, we were all set.  both kids were excited.  their classmates and teachers worked 2 weeks practicing and this day is the big day they were gonna show off what stuff they're made of.

the littel girl's sched of presentation was at 9:15am while the little big man is at 10:45am.  we  arrived in school at around 9:05-9:10.  (my fault because i agreed to wait for my dad and brother before going to school but that's a differet story and i might digress if i go into the details of that.)

the hubby and i agreed he'd go with the little big man while i go with the little girl.  and so, as she and i were passing by the gym, we heard "fireworks" being played and i turned to her and asked, isn't that the music that you're going to dance to?

wide-eyed, she said yes while we both wondered why it was already playing.  i tried to peep to see what's going on but it was too crowded.  so i told the little girl that we should just go to the meeting area of her batchmates.  on our way there, we passed by a video wall showing  livestream what was happening inside the gym.  

lo and behold!  a sea of orange skirts with blue and gold vests worn over white leotards and black shorts!  my insides ached so bad i thought my knees turned jelly and i felt like i would fall in utter frustration.  i turned to the little girl, carried her in my arms, pointed to her the wall and painfully said, anak, sorry hindi ka na makakasali.  ayun na sila o.  i was close to tears.

she stared at the video wall.  then she patted my shoulder, ok lang yan mommy, ok lang yan. she seemed so cool about it and was even the one comforting me!  she stared again for about a minute then she turned away and rested her chin on my shoulder while hugging me tight.  in a few seconds, i knew she was teary-eyed and i kept on saying i'm sorry, i'm sorry to her.  i told her that when we get home, she will wear her costume and perform for me and her dad and kuya and i will video her performance and we will cheer and clap for her.

mommy, ok lang na hindi ako nakasali.  alam ko naman na pinaghirapan mo yung costume ko hanggang kagabi di ba?  ok lang yun.  then she was teary-eyed again and she hugged me again while i hugged her back.  halika na mommy, ayaw ko na dito.

we found the hubby and the little big man in his grade 5 classroom and told them what happened.  (of course, the hubby blamed me because we both knew we should be there by 8:30 but i told them 9:15 pa naman ang performance e.  and yeah, that thing with my dad.)  afterwards, we went to the gym in time for kuya's performance.  

while waiting, a video wall inside the gym was running the highlights of the grade 1 to 3 performances.  and there again was the grade 1 performance which the little girl failed to participate in just an hour ago.  i pointed it to her, she looked and shrugged saying, ayaw ko na makita yan.  i felt her pain and secretly pointed an imaginary gun to my head and shot myself.  i was as devastated as she.

super mommy fail. :(

here's her costume.  shot at home after.

and here's her vid.  on top of  the bed.  watch it and applaud.  PLEASE.

and here's what the little big man had to show.

and some pics of how the little girl coped with her mommy's failure. :( wearing her kuya's head dress while waiting for him after his performance.

mommy matters

resilience.  i feel this word.  i want it to drench me in its meaning.

i've never felt more "mom" than i have been the last couple of days.  i was on leave for 3.5 days last week to physically take care of the kids' needs, without a nanny and without a husband.  

last tuesday, i had to leave work midday to fetch the little big man because classes were suspended while the little girl was sick at home.  from that day onward, i prepped them every morning, brought them to school, fixed the house and did errands, fetched them later and had dinner somewhere or at my parents'.

over the weekend, i spent time at our canteen while finishing "fifty shades of grey."  i haven't read a whole book (novel) for the last 4 or 5 years and it felt really good although i wasn't too fascinated with the story of this one.  sunday the kids and i went to morning mass, had lunch at max's and spent a quiet afternoon and evening.  to top all that, i cooked dinner.  

and cooked breakfast and "baon" the next three days till today.  and i think i'll be doing that for the rest of my life because i realize i love doing it for the kids.  

i did some laundry and ironing too last week for the kids' uniforms.  but i did arrange with the laundry woman to come every monday since i know for a fact that i will not be able to handle that on a regular basis. 

i arranged for the kids' school service so that i wouldn't have to worry about them while   i'm at work.  good thing the kids liked the idea although they have to prepare for school an hour earlier than when the hubby used to bring them by car.

i bought a can opener.  this is monumental for me.  because for a long time, i never had one because cans at home were always opened by the hubby or the nanny or the house help using a big knife.  but last monday, i was gonna cook meat loaf for the kids' baon and i almost ground the meat inside the can using that big knife to open it.  i also bought a new cutting board since i wanted to replace ours a long time ago but never gotten around to doing it because i wasn't the actual user of it, until now.  and guess what, i bought a flat "sandok" for frying.  i know i will be frying a lot these days so might as well get my own.

last night, i went shopping for food.  i always did that with the hubby before because he's the one who knows that stuff.  (if you've known me long enough, you'd know i'm not that kind of girl and that he's that kind of guy.)  but last night, i was picking which cooking oil to buy, getting a pre-packed dozen eggs, deciding on whether to get the boxed milk or the chocolate milk, buying potatoes and tomato sauce... i was actually thinking of cooking a real meal (which is giniling na baboy) and not just something out of a can or a foil pack.  

i am also making time to fix, clean, arrange things in the house.  little by little.  i am now aware that trash is being picked up every wednesday and saturday so i always have to make sure it's out our door those days.  i am also aware when the mineral water is running out so i can request for a delivery.  i have asked for the help of one of our helpers at the canteen to prep the little girl every morning.  i have also commissioned our cook to make our dinner everyday.

one of my mom's borders offered to assist the little girl with her homeworks and study and although i do like to do that with her, i welcomed the kind help, silently thanking God for all of the good things that He's giving me and my family.

it surprised me that i could actually do things by myself.  and the things that i can't do, i am able to ask for help.  and i felt more fulfilled than i ever was.  it's tiring, i admit, waking up at 4:30am everyday, squeezing everything we have to do the whole day to be able to put the kids to bed at 9:00pm.  but i do get a little "me" time too, a quick browse through facebook, an online old movie, sewing my kids' names on their hankies, game of thrones during lunch time at work, a new lipstick... a quick quip on twitter and this blog.  i guess i just might be blogging a lot more than i used to.

i feel like i'm starting over.  love life!

Resilience is the ability to work with adversity in such a way that one comes through it unharmed or even better for the experience. Resilience means facing life’s difficulties with courage and patience – refusing to give up. It is the quality of character that allows a person or group of people rebound from misfortune, hardships and traumas.

Resilience is rooted in a tenacity of spirit—a determination to embrace all that makes life worth living even in the face of overwhelming odds. When we have a clear sense of identity and purpose, we are more resilient, because we can hold fast to our vision of a better future.

family matters

i've been blogging about my little family, which are, my hubby and my two kids.

but not often about my original family, which are, my mom, dad and brothers.  include ima and my eldest nephew.

last night i had a long talk with my mom.  and then my eldest nephew who is staying with us most of the time this summer.  i ended up sleeping around 2am because of this.  but was well worth it.  i realized a lot of things about my little family.  that most of the decisions i make about them are affected by the original family.  truly, one's values are created and implanted inside the family.

6th on a high

the little girl celebrated her 6th birthday yesterday.  the occasion fell on a maundy thursday and weeks ahead, i already had it figured out that we'd just go to the mall, eat at a nice resto that she's never eaten in before, get her birthday cake and go shopping.

a lot of things did not fall into place though.  

we realized a few days before that the car registration has expired at the end of march so we had to commute.  well, we rode a cab.  

it turned out that there were no malls open.  metro manila was a ghost town every year during this time so what (the heck) were we thinking!  so we directed the cab to go to nearby qc memorial circle where the hubby and i knew there were nice restos at least.  

once there, most of the restos were CLOSED as well.  how lucky can our birthday girl get?!  i did not want to give up and not make her special day a fun day.  hubby argued we should just go to a nearby mcdonald's or jollibee where he was sure the kids would have fun.  but i was insistent that we go somewhere we don't usually go to.  alas, we found a bacolod chicken inasal packed with people right beside the max's resto which was also closed.

so we ordered.  and ended up not happy with the food either.  the hubby cooks way, way better than what was served us.

i was frustrated as hell. 

so we walked around under the trees while the kids tried to have fun.  we watched some parkour guys practicing until somebody directed us to the kid' play area.  that's when the  F - U - N started.

Julla's birthday on a HIGH

moving up

the little girl graduated from pre-school yesterday.  

it is one of the most gratifying moments in a mom's life.  she's only turing 6 years old next week and i know we still have a long way to go.  a lot more gratifying moments to come -- her 7th birthday, her first day in high school, her first menstruation... college, first love.... well, i'm (crossing my fingers) hoping first love comes after college.  she came in 3rd overall, i think, since the school is progressive and as a rule, does not give numeric grades.  but she was called 3rd to the last so i figured that's it.

next week, she's taking entrance exams at the little big man's school.   wish us luck.

Her page in the school souvenir program

Her introduction

Her doxology

And her fooling around :)

i so look forward to the many more fruitful years ahead.

all kids her age starting 1st grade next schoolyear will be working the new K+12 curriculum to be implemented by the  philippines' department of education.  this means 7 years of grade school and 5 years of high school.  

I WILL...

happy new year!


i obviously have not blogged (guilty as charged) since the end of 2011.  no excuses.  i've been sorting out this life of mine for the new year and been tweeting a lot of my thoughts instead of here.

spent the first day of the year at the penthouse home with both relatives on my side and hubby's side.  it was an easy parting with 2011.  i'm leaving behind the not so good things that happened to my work and our family and am looking forward to a better year.

i'm not writing down resolutions this year because they usually stay just that -- written promises.  my desktop wallpaper right now says: 

and so, this year 2012, I WILL:

1.  find a new job  (a better one) - not necessarily employment but a new source of income.  it may be prospering the business i already have or transferring to a better company.  

2. grow that t-shirt printing business we started last year by a more aggressive online marketing and personal attention to recommended customers

3. buy / sell children's wear and accessories (also online) through the existing online store of my t-shirts

4.  lose the love handles around my waist - by getting on the treadmill again

5. improve the canteen facilities and food, thus, better income

6. have better skin (by that, i need to cleanse and moisturize daily and not forget my vitamins.  also, lessen causes of stress)


7. go abroad with the little big man for his first international taekwondo tournament.  (mom told me i should make this happen and that boosted my spirits even more to really strive that the whole little family gets to go on this trip.)


8.  be happy.


and since i'm turning 40 this year, (yes you don't have to rub it in because i am not at all bothered)  i'm so psyched to make things REALLY happen for me and my little family.  all by God's WILL.

the silver lining

i'm sad as shit right now.  but i don't want it to get to me.  so i've decided to write down the things i have to thank for so as not to feel the hurt.  i have to re-affirm to myself that i am still blessed despite the troubles i am going through.  surely, there are more people in far more worse situations than what i am in right now.

for starters, i am super thankful for my two wonderful kids.  they make me crazy most of the time, when they argue or try to compete for attention but hey, i cannot ask for anybody else.  they're my treasures.  and i'm glad that they love me back even if i scream at them at times.  and i know they won't ask for another mom too.

secondly, i am mega thankful for my friends.  my younger set of colleagues keep me sane at work.  the gays add the spice to living daily in our office.  also, my best friends who i get to talk to online for they're far away are also present in my daily struggles.  these people don't have a clue as to my pain thereby giving me spontaneity and a sense of normalcy.  they don't know how much they're helping me cope.

i am uber grateful for my mom and my dad who understands me and let's me be.  


i am very thankful to God for giving me problems He knows i can handle.  indeed, there is always a silver lining in every cloud.  i haven't seen it yet but i know, it will be visible soon.  i just have to trust and have faith.

Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. 

George Seaton

stormy tuesday

last night, it was announced that there won't be classes today because of the coming typhoon pedring (international name nesat).  i knew immediately that i won't be going to work as well.  i just don't want to risk going out because of the floods in the city.  and it's always a perfect cuddling day with the kids because we'll all be home together.

early in the morning, we were poised to watch PGT (pilipinas got talent -- yes the little family  are suckers for pgt) videos on youtube.  then the power went out.

so what to do?  no computer, no tv, no cellphone charger!

we PLAYED!  literally.  kids did 2-hour taekwondo training with the hubby.  and we hung around the house, laughing, telling jokes, hugging.  best part was, the kids put glue on their hands, waited for it to dry and peeled them off.  that, i say, was fun.  pointless, but fun.  wasteful, but still, fun.

i know it's sort of insensitive to be so happy today while some people out there are being whipped by the storm.  i really feel sorry for them and our family always prays for the less fortunate.  this is how our garden looked like today:

oh and by the way, the door going up our floor got wrecked.  my brother's mechanic left it open and since the winds of pedring were so strong, it banged itself until it dislodged itself from the hinges.  the hubby tried to temporarily fix it until my dad's carpenter comes but my dad went upstairs to visit us and couldn't put it back.  and as he came in to get help, the door banged itself one last time, and the glass broke together with the jalousies.

so much for a happy, stormy day.

misadventures of a working mom

i'm a trying hard working mother.  this much i know.

last week, i convinced the powers that be at work to let me off early (for the rest of my working life at that company) for the reason that i get to the office earlier than necessary.  so officially, i'm off at 5pm instead of 6pm and i am on my merry way home before sunset.  eversince they removed our privilage of flexible time schedule, this is what i've always wanted and now i got it and i'm happy.  at least now, i can be with my kids early.

last night was a toink moment.  something i'm not very proud of.  

of course, i was home early and i immediately started workin tle computer on a project.  since i was early and the nanny still gets off at 7pm, i let her and the little girl play while i worked.  by 7pm, i let her go while the little girl stayed with me inside the bedroom while i continued working.

after a while, i heard the little girl sobbing and as i turned to look at her, she broke down in tears.  she then told me in between sobs that i shouldn't have let her nanny off coz she doesn't have anything to do and she was sad.  so i immediately bolted out of the revolving computer chair, wrapped my arms around her and told her we could play.  to which she replied, "eh mommy ka eh. di ka naman naglalaro eh!"

my heart literally broke.  how could she think that way?  i hugged her to me and told her, of course, i can play.  so what do you want us to play?  in my mind, i was hitting myself in the head with my fist.  what have i done?  i knew i should stop working at that moment and spend the rest of the evening with her, which i should've done the minute i got home in the first place.

we went to the living room and the little girl got 2 balls and she wanted us to alternately roll each ball at each other while slumped on the floor on opposite ends of the room.  i tried to sound happy and animated as we did this but after a few rolls, she started bawling again.  i am not happy at what we're doing!

i came over to her again to appease her.  i carried her to the bedroom, holding her close and asked her again what she wanted us to do.  she said she wanted to play or do something but she doesn't know what.  ok, so let's see....what do we do?  how about the computer? 

she settled with an online game where we played hosts in a virtual spa and tended to customers who wanted massages, facials and hair treatments.  we did this the rest of the evening until the hubby and little big man arrived from taekwondo practice.

looking back, and after telling this to the hubby, i realized that the reason why i requested for an early off from work is so i can "do my responsibilities as a mother" early.  i didn't do that.  instead, i worked some more.  i know now what to do.

see andre, i'm not perfect?

about that soul dream

from that last blog entry about soul dream comes a very immediate development.

last night, the hubby told me the new coach told him that the little big man can get a high school scholarship in ateneo if he continues to do well in taekwondo.  well isn't that an answered prayer so soon?  (yes, he has a new coach but that's another story for another blog entry.)

anyways, i haven't read on with that e-book so i still have yet to find out what -- really -- is my soul dream.  but then again, i believe, the ultimate of it all is that i eventually find our little family successful in whatever dream we pursue.